Not So Great Expectations

Here's what I would like to accomplish this year:

1. Reach my ideal weight in a healthly way by the time my wedding day arrives. This doesn't mean I want to start exercising...I know that goal would be unrealistic. I just want to eat less fast food and lose a few extra pounds...by October.

2. Spend more time writing.

3. Pay off a significant amount of my credit card debt.

I'm keeping it simple this year because I don't want to disappoint myself. In 2004 I accomplished quite a bit: I managed to graduate college, find a good paying job, and move into a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment.

The winter of my discontent

I've been off work since Xmas eve, and I'm starting to get bored. I probably would have enjoyed this time off much more if I was getting paid...instead I'm left to sit and home and keep myself from spending the money that I seriously don't have.

I've ending up spending hours playing my life as a Sim. In the last few days, I've moved into a quaint house with my fiance's Sim, and we've had a baby named Sebastien. A few hours ago he became a toddler. Sometimes my Sim is a bad mother...she likes to place the baby on the floor and go off to read. This game is quite realistic.

I see you shiver with anticipation

Yesterday I saw the movie Darkness...regrettably. It was a poorly constructed film that gave horror movies a bad name--and that's pretty hard to do. I don't know why I thought it would be good, but I was in the mood for a good scare.

It would have been an utter waste of time if not for the trailer for the upcoming film SIN CITY.



This movie looks amazing! I highly recommend that everyone catches the trailer for this graphic novel adaptation. It is visually stunning from what I can see, and there are tons of great actors in the cast. Bruce Willis, Benicio Del Toro, Josh Hartnet, and Clive Owen, just to name a few sexy men I look forward to seeing. The movie looks like a comic book coming to life, with primarily black and white scenery interjected with color on certain characters--mostly on the female characters. For example, one girl has bright blue eyes and another red lips.

I'm not familiar with the Sin City story, but I am eagerly awaiting the release of this movie. Even if the plot is horrible, it is sure to be visually appealing.

Other films I can't wait to see:

White Noise (I love Michael Keaton, and this movie HAS to be scary!)
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (I'm hoping to re-read the book before it comes out)

One more time

Oscar Wilde: The Portrait of Dorian Gray. You are a
horror novel from the world of dandies, rich
pretty boys, art and aesthetics, and
intellectual debates between ethical people and
decadent pleasure-seekers. You value beauty and
pleasure but realize their dangers, as well.


Which literature classic are you?
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Pop quiz, hot shot

You are the insatiable Lady Chatterley from Lady
Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence. Tired of
the typical female awakenings in literature,
you are ready for a sexual awakening! If you
can't be independent and free in your world,
you'll settle for multiple orgasms.


Which Heroine of Classic Literature are you?
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Ok, this quiz thing is addicting...

Call Me Veruca Salt

Last night I was chatting with two of my girlfriends over a bottle of wine, and we were remembering our first impressions of each other. I told my friend that when I first met her, I thought she was sweet, but somewhat annoying. After we met, I remember telling people, "P is a nice girl, but I can only stand her for 15 minutes at a time."

She replied that when she met me, she thought I was a snob. This response intrigued me, and I started to see myself in a new light. I have never considered myself a snob; actually, I see myself as the outcast who has been shunned by the snobs, and has subsequently taken on a cynical and anti-social persona.

This might sound strange, but I'm so glad that she perceived me as a snob! I took it as a compliment because I never thought that I had enough confidence to exude that type of attitude. I love finding out what people think of me before they know me; it really lets me see myself from a new perspective.

On that note, this was my horoscope today:

"Self-examination is revealing. But don't let it turn into narcissism."

Oh well, what's wrong with a little narcissism every once and a while.

PS. I've made quite a few Willy Wonka references lately, but it's one of my favorite movies of all time, and perhaps I am subconsciously rebelling against the new Tim Burton version. I mean, I love Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, and I will definitely go see the film, but part of me is thinking "If it isn't broken...."

No one could ever compete with Gene Wilder, and how dare they try!

It only leads to trouble, and...seat wetting.

I saw Blade: Trinity this week.



I was a big fan of the first Blade film (mostly because the thought of Stephen Dorff biting on my neck is so hot!). I didn't really like the 2nd one, but I still had to go see the last film of the series because I felt it would give me closure.

The movie turned out to be OK-- I would have to say that I enjoyed it more than I expected to. I had no idea who Ryan Reynolds was--he is fucking HILARIOUS in this movie. If it weren't for his character, the movie would have sucked ass. When he wasn't making me laugh, he was making me drool. What a body! I want to do naughty things to this man--strike that, reverse it.

The Island of Misfit Toys

Ok, so I've watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer twice this season. Every year I watch it at least three times during the holidays because I love Christmas movies. But there's one thing I can't figure out about the misfit toys:

What the fuck is wrong with the little girl doll? She looks totally normal to me--so why the fuck is she on the island of misfit toys?

Anyways, tomorrow I have to finish my Christmas shopping, and I'm not as excited about it as usual--for two reasons.

1) My budget is almost non-existent. I usually splurge on gifts, and this year I'm totally broke.
2) I am having a hard time deciding what to buy. Usually by this time I have the perfect gift figured out for everyone, and this year I'm completely clueless. The few times I have gone window shopping, nothing has appealed to me.

Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow with new inspiration and my shopping will be done in a few hours.

Lion VS Lamb

I wouldn't say that Zodiac signs are my religion, but I do enjoy reading my horoscope from time to time. I also like to read about zodiac personalities, not because I think that my sign dictates who I am, but because it seems to facilitate the urge to explore and describe one's personality, at least in comparison to what is supposedly written in the stars. I've come to the conclusion that we all read our horoscopes because it gives us a chance to contemplate and talk about ourselves.

Having said that, I am a Leo. I've always identified to some degree with the typical characteristics of leo.

"Leonine qualities include affectionate warmth, an outgoing nature, an imperial bearing, aggressive self-expression, and generosity of spirit."

But there has always been one aspect of being a leo that I just didn't match: being outgoing. Deep down I feel myself wanting to be outgoing, but in reality I am painfully shy and anxious when it comes to social situations. I've definitely become more introverted as I've gotten older. Internally, I want to be the life of the party--the center of attention, but I'm so neurotic and full of self-doubt that most people never see that side of me.

It's like I am made up of two opposing personalities, which I was thinking a few nights ago when I was reminded of what my name means. My real name (which isn't Daria) actually means "Like a Lamb."

I am both a lion and a lamb. What a dichotomy! (Ok, to be honest, I'm not sure if that's the correct word, but I'm gonna go with it) Perhaps my life is turning out to be a battle of wills, the lion VS the lamb. So far I would say the lamb is winning, but I'm going to root for the lion. My goal is to become king of the jungle!

I'm not saying that I believe I was destined to have this personality because I was born in August and named what I was; this metaphorical description just happens to be accurate! (Although Madonna is a leo, and I wouldn't mind being aligned with her bold character)

The suspense is terrible...I hope it'll last.

I'm not myself today. I just applied for a job as a cocktail server at a gentleman's club, which is something I never thought I would do. I don't have anything against this type of job, I just never saw myself as being cute and perky enough to do it.

Ever since I received the email describing this position, I couldn't get it out of my head. Not only does this job pay twice the hourly wage that I'm making now, it also gives me a $500 monthly clothing allowance!

So as I laughed off the email asking for sorority co-eds and hot stay-at-home moms, I started to think, "Why couldn't I do this job?" It sounds fun, I like to dress up, some people find me attractive, and I really could use the money.

I'm proud of myself for applying, even if I don't get a response. For me this was a gutsy step forward. I even emailed some of my cute, and dare I say provocative halloween photos with the application.

Star light, star bright

I tried to sit down and write a short story last night, and all I could come up with was a paragraph character sketch of a girl named Lucy. I've worked on her description off and on for quite a while, but I can't seem to get past that point. I just don't have any discipline now that I'm not in school. I am the type of person who can't get things down unless I'm under the pressure of a deadline. The motivation is there, but not the discipline. What's wrong with me!

Well, here's what I have so far:

Lucy was the sun. When people looked at her, she burned red with awkward self awareness. Beneath the eye contact she felt like an orange without a peel, her juicy parts naked to the elements.

She wanted to be the moon, so that when people looked she would glow with grace and feel like a daffodil caught in a breeze.

As the sun she shoulders the galaxy, boiling under the constant glare of the planets.

I wrote more, but I'm starting to hate it. Reading it now, it seems like a disjointed, clumsy metaphor with some poor word choices. Hopefully it manages to give some idea of who this character is, or what she feels.

Female seeking Male without Playstation

I really don't understand guys and video games.

I was very excited when Nintendo came out. I think I was like 6 years old. I enjoyed playing video games quite frequently, but I also liked to read and write. And because I had a brother almost the same age as I was, I mostly got stuck watching him play games while I waited for a turn that never came. I sat through entire games knowing everything about them without ever playing them. Games like Zelda, Metroid, and Mega Man seem very familiar to me because I watched my brother play them for hours and hours.

But at some point in my life, let's say around age 17, I grew out of that whole video game thing. I don't enjoy playing or watching them anymore; it just seems like a waste of time. A game or two of solitaire will keep me busy on the computer, but even then I can't play for more than ten minutes. I'd rather read a book or even watch television, although I think TV can be waste of time too. My brother on the other hand, still buys every system and every video game that is created. My fiance also likes to play video games, although he sticks with one or two for the season that he enjoys. If he doesn't get enough playing time in for the week, he actually feels guilty! Right now he's playing the new Grand Theft Auto, and I left the room because I just couldn't listen to that stupid game while I was decorating the apartment for Xmas.

As I've come to the realize that men of this generation will possibly NEVER grow out of video games, it makes me sad and resentful.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

Tonight as I was driving home I was remembering all my first movie star/celebrity crushes. It was fun, and I would like to share. These are the first guys that I remember fantasizing about when I was really young (in no particular order).

The lead singer of A-HA in the music video "Take On Me"...sigh

Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing

Christian Slater

Zach Morris on Saved by the Bell (yes, I know that's not his name)

Luke Perry from BH 90210

It's your husband's life or your case of Wonka bars!

If I want a part time job so I can make extra cash, should I consider selling Mary Kay? I like the products, and on the surface it seems like an easy way to make money and maintain a flexible schedule. But sales jobs can be so mentally damaging. I just don't know if I have the energy to manifest the attitude that it requires.

I can already picture my family and friends rolling their eyes...

I don't think I want to be one of those annoying sales people making the equivalent of telemarketing calls as I fish for customers.

The only positive side I can think of is that I love makeup, so it would be easier to get excited about selling these products then, oh let's say, $800 sets of kitchen knives...which I have actually done.

Material Girl

Today there are a few things on my mind.

1) I am a compulsive shopper. Shopping brings me joy, which I guess makes me a materialistic soul. Oh well. I simply can't deny the excitement I get when my credit card gets swiped and the goods exchange hands. There's just so many fabulous gadgets to buy and outfits to wear, and I want them all. If I had the money, I would go shopping every single day of my life and never wear the same piece of apparel twice. With that in my, you should click on these links and help me reach my goal of full time shopping: NBA basketball Betting
& Basketball Betting.

2) My blog hasn't turned out as sarcastic as I imagined. To those who know me, I can be very sarcastic and critical of society. I'm known for my harsh movie reviews and disdain for pop culture, and for having the elitist attitude that my opinions are always right. But I've come to realize that some of my interests may seem hypocritical. I'm a walking contradiction (I apologize for the use of that cliche). I feel strongly about the things I hate, such as Britney Spears and Survivor. I also feel strongly for the guilty pleasures I love to indulge in, such as Temptation Island (season 1), fashion, and ABBA. And as it turns out, when it's time to write in my blog all I want to write the majority of the time are the things that I love!

So yes, I might write a bitterly annoyed post every once in a while, but the rest of the time I will allow myself to be more than just a caricature of Daria who posts sarcasm just for the sake of looking consistent. I haven't done that so far, but I was seriously considering it.

3) In my last post, I referred to myself briefly as a slut. I would like to clarify that usage, as it may have been a poor word choice. First of all, I don't like the negative connotations of the word. When someone calls a woman a slut in a derogatory way, I usually cringe. Let's say that "slut" refers to a women who sleeps with multiple partners. She's easy. Who cares? If I was single, then I guess I would be a slut. I like sex, and I really like men, and I know how to be safe. I can fuck as many guys as I want, and I don't think that doing so violates my moral beliefs.

Secondly, in my last post when I called myself a slut, I was using the term endearingly. I was referring to the fact that my fiance doesn't really know the extend of what turns me on in my fantasy world. And in my fantasy world, I am a slut, and it's very fun.

Ok...Glad I could get those things off my chest.

Nagging Doubt is Dealt a Blow

Over the past several months a voice in my head has been asking: do you really want to get married? I think I may have found the answer in a dream that I had over Thanksgiving weekend. Actually, it turned out to be a nightmare.

The dream starts out with me and my fiance lying in bed in the morning. I begin to describe to him a sexual fantasy. (This is significant, because while we have a satisfying sex life, I still have trouble letting go of my insecurities and being honest with him about how much of a slut I really am. I figure my omission leaves us room to grow in the future.) So anyways, as I'm describing to him this fantasy, he suddenly sits back in disgust. He looks at me like he doesn't know who I am, as if he never thought I would be into what I described.

At that same moment he gets up and starts dressing and packing his things. He starts acting very distant, and basically tells me that he doesn't want to get married. He explains that his Dad has been sent to prison, and so he is going to move into his Dad's house. He doesn't say much; doesn't really explain himself. He simply walks out and makes it clear in so many words that he's leaving me.

What's important about this dream isn't that he has rejected me, it's my reaction. At first all I can think about is how my Dad just put a non-refundable $5000 dollar deposit on the wedding location. I tell myself, "I'll pay you back Dad, every penny." Then it starts to sink in, he's leaving me and doesn't want to marry me. I can remember my thoughts very clearly. I think, "Shouldn't I be relieved? I get to be single now! I get to have first dates, first kisses, and sex with other boys!" But I don't feel any sense of relief. I am crying. I can feel a crushing pain in my chest, and I feel like my life is over. And then I keep repeating to myself, "Of course you aren't relieved. Who cares about fucking other guys when I love HIM. I don't want anyone else. I love HIM. He's the one I want to be with." And so the dream ends with this feeling of despair and hopelessness about my future, because I know that I can't get him back.

It was the kind of dream that still seemed real once I woke up, even though he was lying there next to me sound asleep. My despair turned to anger at his cruel behavior, and I imagined myself pulling a Lucy Ricardo and hitting him with the pillow in an irrational fury. After comtemplating the dream for a few hours (due to the fact that it was so closely tied to my current fears about my sex life and our relationship) I was grateful for having it. How else would I have been able to deal with my fear of getting married without actually breaking up? I was able to experience how I would feel if he left me; it seemed that real.

I know that in the end it was still just a dream, but it was so vivid and so correlated to my current insecurities that I can't help but consider it a sign. (Although, duh, that's where dreams come from.) Maybe I'm reading the sign wrong; maybe I should be focusing on the fact that he rejected my true sexual self in the dream. Maybe this means I was better off single in the end. And maybe my reaction was more about the fact that he dumped me, which always hurts, even if the relationship is doomed. I'm going to stop over-analyzing and go kiss my gorgeous fiance.

Child of the KORN

I saw KORN in concert last week; it was my third time going to see them live. I took my younger brother for his birthday because he had never seen them. We've both been huge fans ever since high school. I can still remember the first time I heard Life Is Peachy. I was visiting my friend in Florida for a few weeks in the summer, and we were stuck in her house for an entire week due to a tropical storm. She had two CD's to listen to: Life is Peachy and The Best of Oingo Boingo--so that's all we listened to all day long.

Interestingly enough, I was so captivated by Korn, that I didn't ever get sick of the songs. It was unlike anything I had heard before, and I fell in love with it. I'm not you're typical metal fan; I don't just like Korn because they are what some people would consider hardcore. In fact, I have strong disdain for what I consider mindless head-banging metal that is loud and harsh for what seems to be no reason (Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie come to mind). What I love about Korn is that they are hardcore, but there is real emotion and meaning behind their dark sound. Their music is truly creative and original, and to me it's beautiful. Every album is a unique experience.

Getting back to the concert-- it was still so exciting to see the band even though it wasn't my first time. My brother had a great time, and he seemed genuinely excited. There was a bit of nostalgia and sadness knowing that it was their greatest hits tour, which seemed somewhat ominous, like the beginning of the end. But overall I had an awesome time, and my heart still fluttered at the sight of Jonathon Davis (and David, the hot drummer, of course)....sigh. At the risk of sounding like a typical head-banger, KORN ROCKS!

P.S. I love Oingo Boingo too.

afterglow

I had a rather eventful & fabulous weekend in which I somehow managed to watch two new movies (NEW meaning movies I hadn't seen, as opposed to watching The Princess Bride for the 400th time), get some reading done, have an up-close celebrity sighting, go out for a romantic dinner with my fiance--all after sleeping in on both Sat and Sun until late hours of the morning. It was the perfect weekend!

Movie #1: Punch Drunk Love
Although some might say that this film is adorable and romantic (girls who have a crush on Adam Sandler), I found it difficult to follow and rather boring. I usually like off-beat, unconventional films which display creativity and originality, but this movie really tried my patience. Movies can be original and still make logical sense. After being just plain lost for the first half hour, I finally realized that this film was an experiment in sound and an exaggerated adaptation of the love story genre. I personally found the soundtrack to be annoyingly persistant and the characters uninteresting.

Movie #2: Something's Gotta Give
In my opinion this film was funny and refreshing, although I'm sure many would say it was predictable. I love the fact that it looked at the dilemma of the older single woman in the world of dating and sex. How great is it that after years of keeping her clothes on, Diane Keaton decided to disrobe at her age! I love it, and I'm not even old yet. It was also nice to see the tables turned on Jack Nicholson, the eternal bachelor who only dates women under 30. I got to see him have a heart attack, cry several times, and have a mature relationship with someone his own age. I don't really distinguish him from the character in the movie, so it was nice to see him grovel and suffer even if only on the big screen. The best part of this movie was the relationship between Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves. I hope that when I'm in my fifties or sixties, some young doctor will fall madly in love with me.

Reading in Progress: Battle Royale
I'm about half way through this Japanese novel, and so far it is awesome! Violence, drama, and psychological thrills--all from a group of Jr. High School students.

Celebrity Sighting: Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale!!!!
My fiance brought me with him for a side job on Sunday putting up press walls for Gwen's record release party at The Standard in LA. I didn't think I would see anyone because we usually set up way before the parties get started, but there was a slim chance. Right before we started setting up the walls, Gwen and Gavin walk right onto the red carpet where we were standing. I love LA and Hollywood! Proximity to celebrities is exciting and depressing all at once...I was starstruck and giddy, but I also felt the urge to stop eating. Yes, it's pathetic, but I imagined how great it would be to look that skinny and glamourous on a red carpet being gawked at by adoring fans... I would settle for being a respected writer, who happens to be gorgeous. ;)

luckier than some

Veterans Day has always meant something to me because my Dad was in Vietnam when he was very young, which was a bitter subject for him to discuss. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like for him to come home from a horrific war as a young kid (under 25 years old), only to be spit on and called a baby killer. That might sound cliché, but it happened to him. The few times he has spoken of that time in his life, it has made me uncomfortable. I see a very bitter, hateful, angry side of his personality that used to scare me as a child. And it makes me feel very sad for him, as this was only one of many dark chapters in his early life.

This year my younger brother is a veteran, having served in the first ten months of the Iraq war. He served in the Army for three years, getting out just weeks before the stop loss went into effect. I can’t really express what the past two years have been like, but I can say that every day I still wake up feeling lucky that he’s just a phone call away, safe at home.

On another note, I just have to say how horrible it is that Arafat is getting the attention that he is. I completely agree with this article on Arafat the Monster.

Memories

I was just remembering the 2000 election.

I was attending my first semester of college, living in the dorms, and the election didn't matter to me. There was nothing at stake. I wasn't afraid of terrorism, or losing my basic civil rights. The world was different. I don't know if it was because I was young, or because 9/11 hadn't happened, but I didn't give a damn about who won the Bush/Gore election. I wish that it could be that way again...

I don't care anymore

Having been immersed in the upcoming election for the last year, I am simply relieved that it's almost over. I voted for Kerry, for reasons previously stated, but I have to say that after I voted last week with an absentee ballot I started to doubt myself. And I hate to admit this...but I do feel a slight tinge of relief that it looks like Bush is in the lead. I think I started to feel it after my fiance, who is a strong democrat, made this comment: "Well, it looks like Bush is going to win and Osama will have to crawl back into his cave for a few years." That comment gave me the chills. I think that even though sometimes Bush's cowboy, kick ass arrogance is obnoxious, it does make some people feel a bit safer. The logical truth is that we are no safer today than we were before 9/11.

As a feminist, I strongly disagree with Bush's domestic policies. I'm scared to death that he will choose the next Supreme Court Justice and overturn Roe VS Wade. I hate the fact that Bush wants to ban gay marriage. And why the fuck does Bush preach against scientific advances like stem cell research! He's a Neanderthal.

But when it comes to foreign policy, I'm just not sure that Kerry has the backbone to pull us through Iraq and the war on terror. I like the fact that Bush has the guts to tell the UN to fuck off every once in a while. Especially France & Germany, countries that were at one time in bed with Saddam. Why the hell did the French fly Yasser Arafat to their country for medical attention when he is a supporter of terrorism? I like the fact that Bush is on Israel's side against suicide bombers and Arafat.

Those are really the only issues that make me lean slightly towards Bush. I guess it comes down which issue is more important right now: Domestic Policies or Foreign Policies?

NO, you know what, it comes down to the fact that I don't really like either candidate. I give up. I just want it to end. I'm giving myself frown wrinkles.

Book Review

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister
By Gregory Maguire

I just finished this book last night, and it was amazing. After reading Wicked, I was worried that Maguire’s second novel might leave me with disappointment as my expectations were rather high. I loved Wicked for so many reasons, and I didn’t think any other novel would compare. I was wrong; in fact, I would even go so far as to say that Confessions in some ways surpassed Wicked in the complexity of its multiple characterizations, concepts, and plot elements. It is a richly woven masterpiece. As soon as I finished it, having stayed up until 1:00am to do so, I immediately wanted to go back and read it again because I felt there was so much to interpret and digest. I can’t wait to read Maguire’s next novel, Mirror Mirror, and this time I’m sure that I won’t be disappointed.

putting my foot down

My friend Michelle has stopped returning my calls. The last time I saw her was about a month ago when I took her out to dinner for her birthday. Not that this matters, but I bought her a gift that I couldn’t afford, along with dinner and champagne. I didn’t really think that anything was wrong with our friendship, but we did discuss her drinking habits and what our other friends had been saying about her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt with her drinking, even though she has two DUIs under her belt and one day in jail and was still getting very fucked up on a weekly basis (although not driving because her license was suspended). So I told her what the other friends said, and she took it as hostile. But I explained my opinion, and clarified that I was worried about her. She didn’t seem to be mad at me, but she hasn’t called me since, and I’ve left over four messages just asking if she’s ok. Our other friends have told me that she is avoiding their calls too, even going so far as to screen for their calls at work and be mysteriously gone from the office.

I always knew that someday Michelle would do this to me, and that’s why I never got too close to her. She has done this to all her friends at one point or another, as I have been witness too. But she was a very cool person to be friends with, and so I’m sad and hurt that it’s probably over. I had even asked her to be a bridesmaid. She is one of those people who can turn her emotions on and off with a switch. She will cry one minute and tell me that she always wants to be friends, and the next minute she will be cold as ice.

But here’s the difference between me and her other friends. Normally, after a period of cutting them off, she calls them back and everything goes back to normal. They resume their friendship and it’s as if nothing happened. Well, that’s not how I am. You’re either my friend or you’re not. You either have the decency to call me and say, “yes, I’m alive, but I need some time alone.” Or you cut me off like I don’t even exist. And here’s the thing—I’m not a possessive friend who only wants to hang out with her and vice versa; I’m totally cool with us remaining friends and hanging out every few weeks or months. But I know Michelle, and I know that right now she’s thinking that she doesn’t need me as a friend, and that I’ve done something to betray her. So fuck her. My mom said that I should give her time; she’s going through something. I don’t care! I don’t have time to wait until she’s ready to call me and be my friend and let me know that she’s ok. And that’s why this whole situation is somewhat of a relief. Because this has been hanging over my head ever since we became friends and now I don’t have to deal with her anymore. True, I will miss her. But I disagree with how she treats me and I don’t have to put up with it. So Michelle, the next time you call me, if you don’t have a serious excuse for this bullshit, I will happily tell you to fuck off.

when did I grow up?

I’ve been searching for a better job lately, but it has become a bit overwhelming to narrow down what I want my career to be. I’m looking for a job that is stable, long-term, and gives me the experience I need to reach higher career goals; however, I’m having trouble defining those goals beyond the desire to be successful, happy, and oh yeah, rich. My interests are broad, but they all have to do with the ability to be creative. I’ve considered pursuing advertising/copywriting, entrepreneurial fashion designing, and fictional writing. Does choosing one of these fields automatically exclude the others? I know that at least with writing, it’s something that I can do on the side along with whatever else I choose to pursue.

I’m leaning towards the option of going back to school rather than settling on a permanent job. This way, I can relocate to a new area to get a higher degree and get some life experience in a new city. I’m hoping that getting a Master’s will mean that suddenly tons of great jobs will be at my fingertips, and I won’t feel so ignorant about what my realistic job choices are. On the other hand, I know that spending money to get an education isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. It will cost me even more financial debt, when I could be spending time getting real life experience working my way up in the real world. And when I get my next degree, I might end up with the same predicament I have now: where do I go from here? The problem is, I feel like I don’t know where to start.

Maybe the only thing my education has taught me thus far is that I am dependent on a system that tells me what to do. In college, did I learn to think for myself, or was I left feeling like I needed a counselor to point me in the right direction? And if so, is going back to school really the answer, or am I missing something that I need to teach myself? Part of me feels capable of getting out there in the real world now, and part of me feels like I need more focused teaching. When I hear myself asking these questions and thinking these thoughts, I feel that I sound very naïve and unknowledgeable. Like everyone else knows so much more about getting started in a career, and what options are out there.

When you’re young, people always tell you, “You can be whatever you want when you grow up.” Around the time I was in elementary school, I recall believing this statement, and imagining that I could be a famous actress, a well-known writer, or even the first female president (my goals were lofty in fourth grade). At some point or another I realized that that statement was total bullshit, and the odds were probably greater that I would be struck by lightning or bitten by a shark than become famous or elected president. I think I’m still bitter about the fact that I can’t be whatever I want when I grow up, because I am grown up, and I’m mostly just lost and confused about what my life should be. Will I just wake up one day and be in the middle of my career? Will I feel good about what I do everyday? It worries me that I can’t visualize what that would be like. On a more optimistic note, I know that my ambition to be successful is very high, even if I don’t know what I’m going to be successful at yet.

make believe

I'm very excited that Halloween is near. I've been invited to 3 costume parties (well, actually, I've been invited by a close friend who was invited--but it's better than no invitation at all). All three parties will feature the same general group of people, so I've had to decide on three costumes that are within my budget. My first costume will be for an evil-themed party: Cruella DeVil. For some strange reason I already have a bulky dalmation-print coat that I got from a thrift store in high school, and all I need to buy is the wig and a cigarette holder. For the second party I'm going to be Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, wearing the funky outfit that she sports in the opening credits: pink tank top and white tulle skirt. I also bought a gold necklace that says "Carrie," which was her signature accessory on the show. For the third party, which is anime-themed, I'll be a purple bondage fairy, and my two girlfriends are going to be in matching blue and red bondage fairy costumes. If only I was young enough to go trick or treating the holiday would be complete!

Books I Love

These are novels that I wish I could read again for the first time.

The Blind Assassin
By Margaret Atwood
~Impressive complexity, brilliant storytelling.

The Ultimate HitchHiker's Guide
By Douglas Adams
~The only book that ever made me laugh out loud.

The Mists of Avalon
By Marion Zimmer Bradley
~I already loved Arthurian Novels, so this story gave new perspective on a subject that I loved. I felt connected to the characters, and it was the first time that I could relate to any form of spirituality. This is a great novel for feminists.

Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
By Gregory Maguire
~Another retelling of a story that I already loved. Maguire does a great job weaving the mythology of OZ with a fresh perspective on the story.

The "Sleeping Beauty" Trilogy
By Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure
~My first experience with erotica; I was hooked from the first chapter.

Jane Eyre
By Charlotte Bronte

Wuthering Heights
By Emily Bronte

The Awakening
By Kate Chopin

The Stranger
by Albert Camus

I love the movies again

I finally saw the movie Garden State in its entirety, and it was really great. Especially considering that it was written AND directed by Zach Braff. This first film of his is very impressive. I mostly loved the soundtrack; it was emotionally stirring. This movie really portrayed what it feels like to go back to your home town—the sadness that you feel towards the loss of your childhood, as well as the sadness of seeing those who you went to school with that never got out of that town, and probably never will. Overall I would say that the creativity of this movie was refreshing. It was nice not to sit through the same clichéd crap that I’ve been used to lately.

On that note, my favorite movie of the year is out on DVD today; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I can’t wait to watch it again! This film was truly original and thought-provoking. It was a realistic love story that spoke to those of us who have endured long term relationships and ever doubted whether or not it was worth it stay in a relationship knowing all of its faults.

My job is sucking the life out of me

I can't do it anymore! I can't squeeze one more meaningless sentence of marketing text out of my brain! Words no longer make sense to me. I'm losing my ability to express myself on the page. In my emails to friends it sounds like I'm trying to sell them something. I am tired of discovering how many ways the same exact sentence can be written. Thank God it's Friday....all that comes to my mind is a cliche, what's happening to me?

Sad State

I hadn’t been to the movies for weeks—primarily because the early summer movies had left me so disillusioned that even the mention of going to the movie theater left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I had given up on modern cinema until I saw the preview for Garden State. It looked promising; unfortunately, the Santa Clarita Valley theaters didn’t even start showing the movie until the third week of September. After much anticipation, I bought tickets on Sunday afternoon.

As I entered the dark theater, I felt both optimistic and nervous. Would I have to endure another two hours of utter disappointment and disgust? Or would my faith in creative film making be renewed?

Things started out great. I was enjoying the tone, music, acting, dialogue—GONE. The film strip burned up and ripped apart right in front of our eyes on the giant screen.

As I left the theater with my refund, realizing that it was Santa Clarita’s only copy of the film, wondering if they would even bother to get another, I can’t fully describe my sadness. Will I ever recover from my despair and disillusionment? To be continued…

I think my parents are sleeping together

My parents got divorced right after I graduated high school. My mom, not having anyone to talk to, had often told me of their intimacy problems, so this wasn't too much of a surprise to me, but it was still difficult. She is thirteen years younger than him, so right about the time she reached her peak of sexuality, he was on a sharp decline. My mom met another man about a year later and stayed with him for four years. They were one of those couples that broke up every 8 months or so, only to get back together out of co-dependency and dysfunctional attraction. My mom and her BF got engaged this year (one month before I did), but they had another breakup last month. This one seems permanent, but so did the last two.

Since the break-up, my mom has been spending weekends at my dad’s house (which isn’t that weird, because they’ve been platonic friends ever since the divorce; in between her last break-up period she even moved into his guest bedroom to save $). I’ve always assumed, and she’s always reminded me, that my parents are nothing more than “companions.” They are great friends (or as she calls it “soul mates”) who could never resume a romantic relationship because he is physically incapable of doing so for whatever reasons (health, age, stress, psychology, etc). In fact, after spending her post-break-up weekends with my dad, my mom just had a talk with me two days ago letting me know that nothing other than friendship was going on. I was cool with that, even though I knew that my dad probably wanted more.

Here’s what I’ve been expecting since then: either my mom would get back together with her BF, or she would meet someone else. Either way, I knew that my parents would always be good friends and nothing more. A lot of people can’t understand their relationship, including my fiancé, whose divorced parents don’t even speak. I might have found it strange at first, but after five years of my mom’s relationship drama, I’ve gotten used to her closeness with my dad in their own platonic way.

So today my mom reveals something. Two days after her “your-dad-and-I-are-only-friends” talk, she hesitantly tells me, “You know what I said about your dad—about a romantic relationship never happening—well I was wrong.” She got embarrassed after that and told me to forget about it. That’s the funny thing about my mom; just when I think that nothing could surprise me, something does. I wasn’t shocked, and I didn’t really believe that my dad was incapable of certain things—I just honestly thought that she would never be attracted to him again. And now I get the feeling that my parents are headed towards getting back together. I guess it doesn’t surprise me that much, and it still might not happen. But to my great surprise, my parents are sleeping together.

You might think it’s odd that I can write this without being disgusted, but I’ve been hearing about the details of their relationship for years. When they were having problems, I was their therapist. And it doesn’t really bother me. I see them as parents, and also as people. It will be interesting to see what happens from this point on. Now I can honestly say that nothing would surprise me.

I’ve been following the saga of the LA County Seal lately, and I’m so fed up with this type of political nonsense. Just because the ACLU is threatening to sue the county over a ridiculous matter like a small cross on our county seal, council members in LA have voted to spend over $800,000 to change the seal. Now, I’m not religious, but HELLO—this county is called “Los Angeles.” It was founded by Spanish christian missionaries. The tiny cross on the seal is entirely HISTORICAL. What’s next, they decide that the names of our cities like LA and Santa Monica, and Sacramento, and San Diego are offensive too because they make religious references??? Why should we spend the money to change the seal because it offends some idiotic organization? This is how stupid the situation has gotten: they also plan to remove the representation of oil and the goddess Pomona. Are you fucking kidding me? I can understand that if a courthouse has the ten commandments listed above the doorway, that it is crossing the line into promoting a religion and it should be removed. I’m a reasonable person, but this whole situation is just a waste of time. And the new seal is just as politically incorrect, if not more:

"The new proposed seal is a waste of time, money and more importantly, depicts a barefoot, subservient Native American which is an insult to all people of color. It is A SLAP in the face of the Native American Culture and Historical contributions of the Missions of California", said David R. Hernandez.

So anyways, there’s going to be a petition to make these moronic politicians leave the Los Angeles County seal alone, or at least let the people vote on it. I plan to sign it. And by the way, if the ACLU does sue the county, chances are we will win, and it won’t cost a cent. Lawyers are already offering to argue the case for free. Why should we pay to change the seal when every month emergency rooms and hospitals are being closed in southern California? It’s insane.



I usually avoid discussing politics—not because I don’t have an opinion or aren’t informed—but because I usually get discouraged with other people’s partisan views. I’m not republican or democrat, and I think that both parties are too narrow-minded to get things right. Blanket labels like conservative and liberal are just stupid; everything depends on the situation. For the most part, I guess I would say that I’m conservative when it comes to economics; I think that capitalism is effective for those who believe in personal responsibility. That’s not to ignore the fact that racism, classism, and sexism DOES exist in society and gives some people unfair social obstacles. But I hate the victim mentality. As a society, we should work towards equality and fairness; but as individuals, we shouldn’t blame society for our lot in life. I have compassion for those who grow up with less opportunities than others, but I also truly believe that there are some opportunities for everyone if they work hard enough. I’m liberal when it comes to social issues. The government shouldn’t take away my right to choose or tell me who to marry.

As far as the election, I’m not a die-hard Bush hater like some people, but I won’t vote for him for several reasons—no woman should.

If he stays in office, there’s a very good chance that Roe VS Wade will be overturned and we will lose our right to choose.
I hate that he tried to pass a federal ban on gay marriage. As far as I’m concerned, homosexuals in this country are facing horrible civil rights violations and we should all be marching in the streets to support them.
Bush wants to grant all illegal immigrants in California BLANKET amnesty. This is why our hospitals are crowded and being closed down. This is why I sit in hours of traffic every week. This is why Al-Qaeda is getting into the country. Because both republicans and democrats refuse to protect our borders. I really wouldn’t care that so many people from Mexico were crossing the border, except that our economy in California can’t handle it. And by the way, if I traveled to France, I would assume that it was my responsibility to learn French. That seems to be common sense to me. Sorry if that seems politically incorrect.
While I can’t say that I think Saddam should be back in power, I don’t think it’s our job to “police” and “save” every crappy country around the world. It’s not our fault that the ungrateful Iraqi’s couldn’t save themselves and overthrow a dictator. Even now, they can’t come together and get their country running properly. We should have left them alone so they could eventually help themselves. Those soldiers dying over there are just kids, and that breaks my heart.
Bush has done nothing to stop terrorism. It was true before 9-11 and it’s true now. I think in some ways he ignored the warning signs because he knew that a terrorist attack would help his presidency and give him more power.

That’s why I can’t vote for Bush—because in every issue that’s important to me, including illegal immigration, which you’d think as a republican he’d act differently on—I disagree with him. If he gets elected, the crazy right-wing conservative nut jobs will have control over the entire country. Kerry seems drab, but much less harmless. And for the record, Michael Moore is an idiot. I saw his film and it should not be called a documentary. It was political propaganda, and it only looked at one side of the issue. Things aren’t that simple, and I felt that the way he addressed people in his narration was condescending and arrogant. In my opinion Moore is a liberal Rush Limbaugh (whom I also despise). My views closely resemble the attitude of KFI's John & Ken--it's a great talk-radio show.

The First Poem I Wrote in College

Xanadu

At last the stubborn
blaze of daylight
concedes to the moon. Beneath stars we
dance like devilish
elves through
forbidden realms. With eyes of
glass we laugh and lean,
holding potions that make us warm
inside. We forget ourselves
just for a while,
kissing recklessly the surge of impulses through
limber souls.
Moments loop and whirl away into
nothing remembered but
one sanguine haze.
Pleasure
quietly obscures
reason as
salacious fancy
tumbles
under
velour.
We romp through the fields of
Xanadu
yearning to reach the
zenith of relief from yesterday and tomorrow.

Feminist Poem

The Vagina Villanelle

The whole world is against me!
I am neither fish nor flower.
I am splendid complexity.

Stop trying to drown me
With products that overpower.
The whole world is against me.

Have you ever looked at me?
To discover is to empower.
I am splendid complexity.

Are you embarrassed by me?
I refuse to cower.
The whole world is against me.

If you have one you’re lucky—
Twice the purpose, twice the power.
I am splendid complexity.

You cannot invade me—
I devour.
The whole world is against me;
I am splendid complexity.

~R.H.

Loophole

The amount of
tar and nicotine
in this product
varies depending on
how you smoke it.

~My Found Poem

Nip/Tuck Superfan

Nip/Tuck is the greatest show EVER.

Yes, I am cynical, sarcastic, critical of pop culture, and sometimes just plain bitter. But I’m also a walking contradiction who loves shows that proudly embrace the cultural disintegration of society with gratuitous sex, drama, and dysfunction. We all have our junk food weaknesses, and mine is television. I was a die-hard 90210 Fan, I watched Melrose Place from beginning to end, and, even though I’m not the biggest reality television show enthusiast, I loved Temptation Island (season 1).

But Nip/Tuck has surpassed them all. Last night I was so excited over the alternate reality of Julia, that I could hardly contain myself! The thing about this show is that it’s not just mindless melodrama like Melrose Place was; Nip/Tuck has REAL emotion and interesting psychological implications, along with the over-the-top sex and surgeries. The dialogue is amazing. It’s the most creative show I’ve ever seen on TV.

I left my money in San Francisco

Highlights of My SF Trip:

~ Ordering crab legs at Neptune’s Palace on Fisherman’s Wharf—When he brought our orders, the waiter actually tied a bib around my neck. And I’m not talking a sophisticated cloth bib, I’m talking a huge, plastic bib with a giant smiling crab on it. So much for civilized dining. It was hilarious. Also, we ate overlooking the bay, so it was amazing. I could see the lighthouse on Alcatraz directly in front of me, and I could hear the hundreds of seals below our window. The bloody mary I ordered actually had two Cajun flavored shrimp hanging from my class…it brought a tear to my eye. Perfect night.

~Entering FairyLand (This is not a gay reference, although there were plenty of hot gay men there too)—On the pier I entered a shop called Fairyland, where they offer you fairy dust when you walk through the door! It was a great shop with tons of art and collectibles from Amy Brown and more artists. I found my zodiac fairy, the fiery LEO.

~Getting happily dupped at La Rosa—Haight Ashbury shopping was great. Lots of smoke shops and vintage antique stores, or high-priced thrift stores as I like to think of them. I went to the dim and fabulous La Rosa, and purchased two unique brooches for a total of $80, which I’m sure was not worth it. It’s not like I thought I was buying valuable antiques, but then again I knew they were unique and I hate to haggle. Antique stores are basically over-priced thrift stores that have weeded out the junk, and that’s why I love them. Sometimes it’s no fun to trudge through isles of thrift store crap, and at La Rosa I could pretend that I had come across valuable, one-of-a-kind treasures.

~Got Crabs?—the great motto of Joe’s Crab Shack. Love it. I should have bought the T-shirt.

~The 7-Story Macy’s to which I worship each night—it was an amazing seven flights of shoes, jewelry, and apparel. Too bad my Macy’s card was almost maxed. And to think, the Men’s Macys was located across the street in an entirely different building. Seven floors all to myself…Neiman Marcus wasn’t bad either.

Yes, all I did was walk around, shop, and eat. It was a great end to summer. The only downside—we thought that we’d be getting a break from the SoCal heat, and instead the bay area had three record-breaking days of hot weather.

My Theme Song

I always have a favorite song of the month--which I listen to at least once a day until it gets shuffled into less frequent rotation. But this particular song--the lyrics and the concept--is my new theme song. It's a song by The Killers called On Top. I love it- I listen to it 10 times a day- and it perfectly expresses my Friday night philosophy of life.

I would really like to lose about 15 pounds, but it seems impossible at this point. I don't want to resort to some stupid, self-indulgent look-at-me-I-need-attention eating disorder, but unfortunately I have no motivation when it comes to eating healthy. Should I just start learning to accept the way I look? Part of me says yes, and part of me wants to be cute and skinny while I'm still under 30. Plus, I'm sick of getting that cynical feeling of resentment everytime I see a skinny girl. I don't want it to be me against them--I'd rather be skinny myself.

I think I really just have to choose between my love of food... and my love of being one of those skinny bitches who can wear a size 3.

Girls' Night

So my girlfriends and I just got finished watching Sex and the City reruns (our weekly ritual that continues even though the show has ended) and P decided to chop off her hair! A, the multi-talented stylist and fashion designer is chopping off her hair as we speak, and I am living vicariously through them. I can't cut my hair until after the wedding...but before this time period I was the friend with short hair. I love short hair, and I miss it.

But A cut her hair last night, and now P is getting hers trimmed up to her ears, and I'm experiencing the excitement second hand. Go P! I'll catch up next year the day after I get back from my honeymoon. It will be fabulous.

That's what you get when you mix red wine, sex talk, and crazy ass girls.

Long live girls' night!

Someday

After I've won the lottery or made millions in some legitimate way, I'll be able to look back at the dull hours I've spent working different mediocre jobs and laugh...

But today it doesn't seem funny. I've decided to stop watching shows like "The Fabulous Life of.." because they bring out my hateful side. As if Tom Cruise deserves 5 jets. It's upseting because obviously not everyone can be rich...who would pick up the garbage...but I would definitely be good at having money.

My fortune cookie this weekend said,"Stop worrying about money. The best things in life are free." What kind of fucking fortune is that?

~Spoiled Daria rears her ugly head~

When will it rain?

I need some cold, gloomy weather soon. I can't wait for fall and winter and the holidays. Everyone's so cynical about Christmas these days, but screw them. I love the holidays--from Halloween all the way to New Years. Not that I need an excuse to celebrate, but it's still a fun time of year. This year I am planning to decorate for Halloween and Christmas simultaneously- Nightmare Before Xmas style. Paul's fav holiday is Halloween, and Christmas is my favorite--so it just makes sense.

We've got 415 days until the wedding, not that I'm counting or anything.

I booked a hotel in San Francisco today for Sept 4th and 5th. I can't wait!

My friend M called me last night, and I could tell she was drunk because she tends to get repetitive and emotional, and she slurs too. She really opens up to me with her feelings when she's drinking, but once she's sober I'm not sure where we stand. I've actually avoided becoming too close to her because I've seen her drop other friends without a second thought in the past. But in some ways I hope we stay close friends. I have to say, even though it's cheesy, I miss having a best friend. I guess it's just a childish thing, but I remember watching Beaches and hoping that I would find a friend who I would be that close too forever. I have long term girlfriends, but nothing that I would say is that solid. I guess it would be the same as having a sister, which I don't have. I definitely fell like Paul is my best friend in that relationship way, but it's still not the same as having one girlfriend that you can always trust. Even Daria had Jane.

Back in the Day

My brother Paul once dressed in my trift store clothing as Enrique the Pimp, and this Halloween Enrique's making a comeback!

I'm going to stay in San Francisco for Labor Day weekend. I've never been there, nor have I really had the urge. But now that I'm going the excitement is building. Apparently, there is life beyond Hollywood and Vegas. We'll see how it compares though.

Sometimes when I stop and listen to myself talking, I realize that I can come across as ditzy-- Which is disturbing, because I see myself as fairly intelligent. Infact, I tend to be judgemental towards ditzy people. I was attempting to explain how the California Lottery works to someone who has never read a ticket, and I made the comment, "Getting all the numbers is the best thing--" Or something to that effect. I heard a chuckle behind me, and realized that my comment was, well, DUH.

I have heard myself do this before-- and I've come to the conclusion that while I'm not stupid or ditzy, sometimes I don't articulate well--especially if I'm in a situation with people that I don't know well. I think that maybe I subconsciously "dumb things down" because I don't have a lot of confidence in social situations. Also, I don't have the ability to articulate on command--I need time to sort out what I plan to say in order for it to sound intelligent. I guess that's why I like to write, because I can erase and rewrite as I go along. When I'm talking, I can't edit my words on the way out.

A Successful Weekend

I threw a surprise birthday party for my fiance, and I managed to pull it off perfectly (with the help of my friends and family of course)! He had really given up on having anyone celebrate his birthday with him, so when we arrived at my Dad's and everyone jumped out to surprise him, he looked genuinely shocked. I've never seen him so happy--and that made me feel great. It also made me realize that I'm very ready to get married because he's so sweet and I'm lucky to have him. It was one of those weekends where everything makes sense, which I'm still enjoying even though it's Monday. I don't have these types of moments often..so leave me to my bliss.

I MISS Sex and the City!

Seeing SJP in the new fabulous GAP ads makes me long for the days of SATC. It was a show that made me seriously contemplate whether I should stay single during my 20's and move to New York to pursue fashion and writing...but alas...the show was ideal, and mostly a fantasy world where the characters had time to get together for cosmos on a daily basis.

This ad also makes me want to customize my jeans the way SJP did, by adding ribbons and piping and cutting the jeans to different lengths. I don't usually like GAP clothing because it's so plain and boring--but Sarah's new ads are creative and fun, and they give me all types of ideas.

My Reply to Richard Brautigan

Richard Brautigan-- a poet who I respect and enjoy, wrote a poem that infuriated me. It's called The Pill Versus the Springhill Mine Disaster.

Every time you take your pill, it's like a mine disaster.
I think of all the people lost inside you.

My Reply is called Masterbation Versus the Swiss Air Crash

Every time you jack off, it's like a plane crash.
I think of all the people splattered on the floor.

It's the poem I'm most proud of. :)

I'm 23 and I've never known anyone, besides aquaintences, who has died. I've never even faced the death of a pet--they all either ran away or were given away. I could feel that I'm lucky, but instead I feel the opposite. Since I have never had to confront death, somehow it doesn't exist to me. When I actually stop and think about the concept, it scares me so much that I can't seem to function. People can talk about death all they want, but it's not the same until you experience it with someone you love. That's why I know that when it happens to me, I might not be able to handle it. If I had been forced to face it at an earlier age, I think I might be more prepared. It's very unnatural; I know that death happens to other people, but it hasn't happened yet to me. And every year I have this impending sense of doom that gets bigger and bigger, because I know that things won't be this way forever. And the thought that runs through my mind is how many days do I have left until something bad happens? I'm not religious, but thank God it didn't happen while my brother was in Iraq. I guess this is what my birthday evokes, the sense that another year has passed, and things are great, but they can't be forever.
I guess I should turn to the poets.

AFRAID? Of whom am I afraid?
Not death; for who is he?
The porter of my father’s lodge
As much abasheth me.

Of life? ‘T were odd I fear a thing
That comprehendeth me
In one or more existences
At Deity’s decree.

Of resurrection? Is the east
Afraid to trust the morn
With her fastidious forehead?
As soon impeach my crown!

---Emily Dickinson

To Ink or Not to Ink

I have chosen a fairy that I want to be my next tattoo, but I'm not sure. Getting a fairy on the lower back is so common, and this particular fairy is by Amy Brown, the artist that hundreds of girls have used for their fairy tattoos. I don't know if something this permanent should be more unique. My first tattoo was based on an artist, but not one that many people know about. I'm getting cold feet! But I really do like this image. I guess I should be completely sure about it first--there's no going back once I say yes. Maybe that's why I like getting tattoos so much--it's a defiant act that says: I have the power to redesign myself permanently.

Watch This: Suicide Club

It's part existential foreign film (Run Lola Run), part B-rated horror film (Army of Darkness)--with a splash of government anti-pop culture propaganda! This is by far one of the strangest films I have ever seen. I can't decide if it's brilliant or painfully ridiculous. Either way, I would highly recommend it.

Where the Voices Can Be Heard

Movie Quote of the Day: Am I going mad--or did the word THINK escape your lips?!

Finally--an outlet for my neurotic mind. Thanks to Maju for the introduction to the voyeuristic world of blogs. It curbs the writer's craving AND reveals the secrets of others. Fabulous.