Nagging Doubt is Dealt a Blow

Over the past several months a voice in my head has been asking: do you really want to get married? I think I may have found the answer in a dream that I had over Thanksgiving weekend. Actually, it turned out to be a nightmare.

The dream starts out with me and my fiance lying in bed in the morning. I begin to describe to him a sexual fantasy. (This is significant, because while we have a satisfying sex life, I still have trouble letting go of my insecurities and being honest with him about how much of a slut I really am. I figure my omission leaves us room to grow in the future.) So anyways, as I'm describing to him this fantasy, he suddenly sits back in disgust. He looks at me like he doesn't know who I am, as if he never thought I would be into what I described.

At that same moment he gets up and starts dressing and packing his things. He starts acting very distant, and basically tells me that he doesn't want to get married. He explains that his Dad has been sent to prison, and so he is going to move into his Dad's house. He doesn't say much; doesn't really explain himself. He simply walks out and makes it clear in so many words that he's leaving me.

What's important about this dream isn't that he has rejected me, it's my reaction. At first all I can think about is how my Dad just put a non-refundable $5000 dollar deposit on the wedding location. I tell myself, "I'll pay you back Dad, every penny." Then it starts to sink in, he's leaving me and doesn't want to marry me. I can remember my thoughts very clearly. I think, "Shouldn't I be relieved? I get to be single now! I get to have first dates, first kisses, and sex with other boys!" But I don't feel any sense of relief. I am crying. I can feel a crushing pain in my chest, and I feel like my life is over. And then I keep repeating to myself, "Of course you aren't relieved. Who cares about fucking other guys when I love HIM. I don't want anyone else. I love HIM. He's the one I want to be with." And so the dream ends with this feeling of despair and hopelessness about my future, because I know that I can't get him back.

It was the kind of dream that still seemed real once I woke up, even though he was lying there next to me sound asleep. My despair turned to anger at his cruel behavior, and I imagined myself pulling a Lucy Ricardo and hitting him with the pillow in an irrational fury. After comtemplating the dream for a few hours (due to the fact that it was so closely tied to my current fears about my sex life and our relationship) I was grateful for having it. How else would I have been able to deal with my fear of getting married without actually breaking up? I was able to experience how I would feel if he left me; it seemed that real.

I know that in the end it was still just a dream, but it was so vivid and so correlated to my current insecurities that I can't help but consider it a sign. (Although, duh, that's where dreams come from.) Maybe I'm reading the sign wrong; maybe I should be focusing on the fact that he rejected my true sexual self in the dream. Maybe this means I was better off single in the end. And maybe my reaction was more about the fact that he dumped me, which always hurts, even if the relationship is doomed. I'm going to stop over-analyzing and go kiss my gorgeous fiance.

Child of the KORN

I saw KORN in concert last week; it was my third time going to see them live. I took my younger brother for his birthday because he had never seen them. We've both been huge fans ever since high school. I can still remember the first time I heard Life Is Peachy. I was visiting my friend in Florida for a few weeks in the summer, and we were stuck in her house for an entire week due to a tropical storm. She had two CD's to listen to: Life is Peachy and The Best of Oingo Boingo--so that's all we listened to all day long.

Interestingly enough, I was so captivated by Korn, that I didn't ever get sick of the songs. It was unlike anything I had heard before, and I fell in love with it. I'm not you're typical metal fan; I don't just like Korn because they are what some people would consider hardcore. In fact, I have strong disdain for what I consider mindless head-banging metal that is loud and harsh for what seems to be no reason (Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie come to mind). What I love about Korn is that they are hardcore, but there is real emotion and meaning behind their dark sound. Their music is truly creative and original, and to me it's beautiful. Every album is a unique experience.

Getting back to the concert-- it was still so exciting to see the band even though it wasn't my first time. My brother had a great time, and he seemed genuinely excited. There was a bit of nostalgia and sadness knowing that it was their greatest hits tour, which seemed somewhat ominous, like the beginning of the end. But overall I had an awesome time, and my heart still fluttered at the sight of Jonathon Davis (and David, the hot drummer, of course)....sigh. At the risk of sounding like a typical head-banger, KORN ROCKS!

P.S. I love Oingo Boingo too.

afterglow

I had a rather eventful & fabulous weekend in which I somehow managed to watch two new movies (NEW meaning movies I hadn't seen, as opposed to watching The Princess Bride for the 400th time), get some reading done, have an up-close celebrity sighting, go out for a romantic dinner with my fiance--all after sleeping in on both Sat and Sun until late hours of the morning. It was the perfect weekend!

Movie #1: Punch Drunk Love
Although some might say that this film is adorable and romantic (girls who have a crush on Adam Sandler), I found it difficult to follow and rather boring. I usually like off-beat, unconventional films which display creativity and originality, but this movie really tried my patience. Movies can be original and still make logical sense. After being just plain lost for the first half hour, I finally realized that this film was an experiment in sound and an exaggerated adaptation of the love story genre. I personally found the soundtrack to be annoyingly persistant and the characters uninteresting.

Movie #2: Something's Gotta Give
In my opinion this film was funny and refreshing, although I'm sure many would say it was predictable. I love the fact that it looked at the dilemma of the older single woman in the world of dating and sex. How great is it that after years of keeping her clothes on, Diane Keaton decided to disrobe at her age! I love it, and I'm not even old yet. It was also nice to see the tables turned on Jack Nicholson, the eternal bachelor who only dates women under 30. I got to see him have a heart attack, cry several times, and have a mature relationship with someone his own age. I don't really distinguish him from the character in the movie, so it was nice to see him grovel and suffer even if only on the big screen. The best part of this movie was the relationship between Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves. I hope that when I'm in my fifties or sixties, some young doctor will fall madly in love with me.

Reading in Progress: Battle Royale
I'm about half way through this Japanese novel, and so far it is awesome! Violence, drama, and psychological thrills--all from a group of Jr. High School students.

Celebrity Sighting: Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale!!!!
My fiance brought me with him for a side job on Sunday putting up press walls for Gwen's record release party at The Standard in LA. I didn't think I would see anyone because we usually set up way before the parties get started, but there was a slim chance. Right before we started setting up the walls, Gwen and Gavin walk right onto the red carpet where we were standing. I love LA and Hollywood! Proximity to celebrities is exciting and depressing all at once...I was starstruck and giddy, but I also felt the urge to stop eating. Yes, it's pathetic, but I imagined how great it would be to look that skinny and glamourous on a red carpet being gawked at by adoring fans... I would settle for being a respected writer, who happens to be gorgeous. ;)

luckier than some

Veterans Day has always meant something to me because my Dad was in Vietnam when he was very young, which was a bitter subject for him to discuss. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like for him to come home from a horrific war as a young kid (under 25 years old), only to be spit on and called a baby killer. That might sound cliché, but it happened to him. The few times he has spoken of that time in his life, it has made me uncomfortable. I see a very bitter, hateful, angry side of his personality that used to scare me as a child. And it makes me feel very sad for him, as this was only one of many dark chapters in his early life.

This year my younger brother is a veteran, having served in the first ten months of the Iraq war. He served in the Army for three years, getting out just weeks before the stop loss went into effect. I can’t really express what the past two years have been like, but I can say that every day I still wake up feeling lucky that he’s just a phone call away, safe at home.

On another note, I just have to say how horrible it is that Arafat is getting the attention that he is. I completely agree with this article on Arafat the Monster.

Memories

I was just remembering the 2000 election.

I was attending my first semester of college, living in the dorms, and the election didn't matter to me. There was nothing at stake. I wasn't afraid of terrorism, or losing my basic civil rights. The world was different. I don't know if it was because I was young, or because 9/11 hadn't happened, but I didn't give a damn about who won the Bush/Gore election. I wish that it could be that way again...

I don't care anymore

Having been immersed in the upcoming election for the last year, I am simply relieved that it's almost over. I voted for Kerry, for reasons previously stated, but I have to say that after I voted last week with an absentee ballot I started to doubt myself. And I hate to admit this...but I do feel a slight tinge of relief that it looks like Bush is in the lead. I think I started to feel it after my fiance, who is a strong democrat, made this comment: "Well, it looks like Bush is going to win and Osama will have to crawl back into his cave for a few years." That comment gave me the chills. I think that even though sometimes Bush's cowboy, kick ass arrogance is obnoxious, it does make some people feel a bit safer. The logical truth is that we are no safer today than we were before 9/11.

As a feminist, I strongly disagree with Bush's domestic policies. I'm scared to death that he will choose the next Supreme Court Justice and overturn Roe VS Wade. I hate the fact that Bush wants to ban gay marriage. And why the fuck does Bush preach against scientific advances like stem cell research! He's a Neanderthal.

But when it comes to foreign policy, I'm just not sure that Kerry has the backbone to pull us through Iraq and the war on terror. I like the fact that Bush has the guts to tell the UN to fuck off every once in a while. Especially France & Germany, countries that were at one time in bed with Saddam. Why the hell did the French fly Yasser Arafat to their country for medical attention when he is a supporter of terrorism? I like the fact that Bush is on Israel's side against suicide bombers and Arafat.

Those are really the only issues that make me lean slightly towards Bush. I guess it comes down which issue is more important right now: Domestic Policies or Foreign Policies?

NO, you know what, it comes down to the fact that I don't really like either candidate. I give up. I just want it to end. I'm giving myself frown wrinkles.