Father can you hear me?

When I was a little girl, my inner thoughts almost entirely consisted of conversations with God. It could be said by some that God was my imaginary friend--but I'm not saying that. I don't still talk to him, but for all I know he really was listening to me all those years.

I specifically remember directing my thoughts to him whenever I really wanted something. My thoughts would go something like this: Ok God, I know I've asked for things before, but if you give me [insert childhood desire] I promise never to ask for anything again. Just do this one thing for me so I know for sure that you exist. This is your last chance to prove to me that you are real. Please Please Please. Show me a sign.

And this would continue until I realized he wasn't going to grant my wish. Why did I equate God with a Genie? In my mind it seemed like God was this creature with tremendous powers, so how hard could it be for him to make me happy? It would be a win-win situation. I would get what I want, and he would have a lifetime believer in a world of cynics.

The funny thing was that my wishes were typically magical in nature. It wasn't like I asked for a pile of money (well, sometimes I did, but not often). Here are some examples of what I prayed for with great intensity:

~The ability to fly (Yes it's cliche, but it would be lovely).
~To become a mermaid (This one lasted for years, thanks to Disney).
~To be a princess in a castle with unicorns. (Looking back, I don't see the payoff with this one).

They weren't the most practical goals, but I figured they were easy tasks for someone like God.

Sometimes I just wished for small glimpses of his existence. I would say things like, Just send a shooting star across the sky right now, and I will believe in you. I think back on it, and it makes me sad. I mean, I know that if there is a God, he must be busy, blah blah blah. To have faith in him means you don't need proof--blah blah blah. But jeez, would it really have been THAT HARD to send a shooting star?

Things ARE that bad, and they ARE out to get you.

For someone who hates awkward social situations, I sure do manage to get myself into them quite often. Since working at my new job, I've made several attempts to get to know my coworkers. I've attended two happy hour get-togethers in the last month at a local bar, hoping that the presence of alcohol would expedite the process. Silly me.

The alcohol certainly sped things up on my end; however, I fear that my direct approach was not reciprocated. Here is an example of my inability to function in new social situations, particularly those involving coworkers:

The first topic I brought up was the fact that my best friend had recently gotten her clit pierced. At the time it seemed like a good idea for two reasons--a) I thought that bringing up something of that nature would thwart any preconceived notions that they might have of me, considering that I can appear very shy and prudish at first glance--and b) I was honestly curious about what other people thought of that type of piercing. After bringing it up and seeing the discomfort on the faces of the men, I realized that they were probably more worried about violating sexual harassment laws than conversing about the female body with a young and unknown new girl from the office.

On that note...

I also have to say that cubicle life lends itself to awkward situations. I feel quite isolated inside these three walls, and yet I can hear everything that everyone says throughout the office. This keeps me from talking on the phone, or even to another coworker most of the time. I don't want people to hear me, so I usually just stick to instant messaging in order to communicate. Every once in a while, I will call out to my friend across the isle, but I will try to do it quietly. On these occasions she usually can't even hear me, so she will call out for me to repeat myself, and so ensues another awkward moment that everyone else in the office can most certainly hear.

Other times, I will be surfing the web and suddenly stumble upon something funny. It sounds very strange to hear someone burst into laughter in the midst of a perfectly silent room. So instead, I will try to muffle my uncontrollable laughter, making the stiffled laugh sound even more strange! Not to mention the fact that every time I sneeze, cough, chew, swallow, or breath it is so quiet in this damn office that I feel as though everyone can hear that too! Yes, I may be paranoid, but that's just another consequence of sitting in a cubicle for eight hours with one's back unnaturally exposed. If someone enters my cubicle without my knowledge, it is not uncommon for me to jump a bit once I suddenly notice them standing there. People like me really prefer to have our backs to the wall, with the ability to face those that pass by. In college I always sat in the back corner seat so that I wouldn't feel the eyes of other students burning into the back of my head.

I am one crazy bitch.

just another day

I don't feel like writing complete thoughts today, but I should write something.

I feel guilty about how much money my Dad is spending on the wedding. I hate feeling guilty, particularly when there is nothing I can do about it.

I am socially inept. This is caused by my social anxiety, which is caused by my low self-esteem, which is caused by my awareness of being socially inept. Oh, and it doesn't help that I'm extremely neurotic.

I need to find my happy thoughts. They don't seem to be anywhere in my cubicle.

I have bangs--just got them cut yesterday. I think I like them.

Credit card debt sucks.

I feel like going shopping.

In fifteen minutes I will go out for lunch. Will I eat healthy or break down and stuff myself and feel gross for the rest of the day?...hmmm.