"I write emotional algebra."

I have just discovered Anais Nin. I can't wait to read her collection of diaries and erotic stories. She seems fascinating.

Here are some of her quotes:

~Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments. I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous.

~My diary is a mirror telling the story of a dreamer who, a long long time ago went through life the way one reads a book.

~Man can never know the kind of loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in a woman's womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. The woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she has bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child-bearing and man-bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to BE. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment the man rests inside of her.

~I have the right to love many people at once and to change my prince often.

~Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes one feel as you might when a drowning man holds unto you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.

Loves sushi, will travel

Lately I've been searching for job openings online, and I've come across some teaching jobs in Japan. There are companies that will train me, assist in relocation, and offer a year contract to teach English in Japan. It seems so intriguing to me! It would give me the chance to travel and experience new things for a year, while allowing me time to contemplate my long term career goals. My fiance loves the idea as well, so I know that he would go with me.

I've been wanting to change employment because I don't feel that my current job is really leading me on the path that I want to go, career-wise. However, I also don't think I'm ready to "settle" into anything permanent with a specific company. That's why this teaching job seems so perfect. It's temporary, it would look great on a resume, and the entire experience would probably be good for me.

That's not to say that there aren't any downsides. I've never lived far from my family--I've never traveled to another country. It would be challenging and perhaps scary, but maybe I need to be taken out of my comfort zone for a while. If it turns out to be horrible, I can always come home. Having someone with me will make things easier. If I was single, I might still be interested in the job, but I don't know if I could handle the transition to another country on my own.

I'm going to do some research first on what it's like to teach in Japan. My goal would be to wait until after the wedding and then apply for the job. That gives me almost an entire year to think it over and get prepared. The more I think about it, the more exciting it seems.

It's My Life

There are many things that infuriate me about the latest news regarding Roe vs Wade, but what pisses me off the most is that the majority of the news articles make it sound like "Roe" is now objecting to the right to abortion for medical reasons.

First of all, abortion is proven medically safer than pregnancy.

Secondly, Norma McCorvey (Jane Roe) has become a conservative religious fanatic, and THAT is the only reason she is trying to get the abortion decision overturned. I can't believe this article doesn't even mention the religious aspect of the story.

I find the growing political force of right-wing religious fundamentalists disturbing--they don't outnumber the sane people, but they are louder and more powerful right now.

One More Thing: If Bush uses the phrase "culture of life" one more time, I am going to fucking scream. I can't even adequately express in words how much it infuriates me.

bitch goddess

My sleeping habits are back to normal, and I have become distracted from my depression with the recent wedding planning activities. My moods are still unpredictable, but hopefully I will get over it soon.

I've started to realize certain things about myself over the last month, mostly things that I don't like, so I'm having this internal battle between my conscience and my habits. If I'm a mean, judgmental person who has a large array of flaws, should I try to change myself or just accept who I am and go with it? I'm starting to develop my plight into a dilemma that is novel worthy: are villains born wicked, with their evil actions inevitable, or do they have hope of changing? Should they want to change? I don't know, I have a more complex post in the works regarding this idea.

I've decided against working a second job; it just makes me too grumpy and miserable all the time to think about how I don't have weekends off. I'll just have to give up any hope of shopping or waxing or getting pedicures for the time being. We'll see how that goes.

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like a prayer

I’m still feeling rather depressed. This weekend I’m going to a wedding open house at the ceremony and reception site with my mom and some friends so they can all see the place. I hope that I get more excited about it by Sunday.

I’ve been having some strange dreams lately. In one of them I was having sex with Michael Vartan in an indoor swimming pool. The pool was in a shabby building that had plastic tarp covering a hole in the roof. The strange thing was that we weren’t alone in the room; there was some sort of religious ceremony going on with someone who was claiming to be the messiah. Michael wanted to pay attention to the ceremony (now that I think about it, he might have been wearing a priest’s robe, because I vaguely remember a black and white collar) and instead I kept forcing him to have sex.

Make me over

If I could be on the MTV show "Made" I would want them to make me a stripper. I know it's mostly a high school show with teenagers, but if they did a more adult version I would really want to become an exotic dancer. I would have to overcome so many inhibitions--it would be the ultimate challenge for me.

I'm not sure how I feel about reality television. It's a guilty pleasure that I occasionally watch, and I don't see myself as the type of person who would participate in it. But sometimes I think it would be exciting.

The ghost with the most

I was in denial, but I can no longer fool myself. White Noise is not going to be worth the 8 bucks. It's pg13, the scorching reviews are starting to pile up by the hour, and I know better than to let my love of Michael Keaton blind my better judgment. Maybe someday I will rent it and see for myself if it really sucks that bad. Until then I think I will go home and watch Beetlejuice and Batman 1 & 2 to make myself feel better.

What's on the menu this evening sir?

Damnit! I applied for three jobs in the last few days and I may have actually gotten one. I'm now going to be one of many people who work two jobs to survive.

This new job is part time at a Chinese restaurant answering phones and helping customers at the front desk. It's not a job that requires much skill, and I will only be working three nights a week. On the other hand, it will require me to do what I haven't done in over six months--deal directly with the public.

The one thing that I love about my full time job, other than having every weekend off, is the fact that I don't have to perform customer service on any level. I don't even have a phone at my desk. I just sit at my computer and write copy all day. No dress code, no forced smiles, no awkward social contact.

I'm working this weekend at the restaurant for two days so the owner can see if I "fit" the position. I'm going to use this probationary period to see if the job "fits" me as well.

Can't Get a Grip

I haven't been sleeping well lately. It's something that usually happens around this time of year; my mind is restless, I'm having financial problems, and my relationships with friends and family are strange right now. I find myself over-analyzing every conversation and re-living certain moments until I either steep myself in self-disgust or just break down into tears. I also have a tendency to dwell on embarrassing moments of the past and get angry about them. It's all very self-indulgent and narcissistic, but I can't stop myself. I'm in a funk, and I seem to be taking it out on my fiance. But surprisingly enough, he's been very sweet no matter how bitchy I get! I truly think he's the only person in the world who can put up with me.

Even my mom cut me off when I called her the other night for consoling, so I know I must seem annoying right now. She's usually willing to listen to me no matter what. I can only hope that my mood will motivate me to get some writing done. I usually do most of my writing during periods of intense emotions. I like to purge my negative energy into grotesque characters and stories.