Nagging Doubt is Dealt a Blow

Over the past several months a voice in my head has been asking: do you really want to get married? I think I may have found the answer in a dream that I had over Thanksgiving weekend. Actually, it turned out to be a nightmare.

The dream starts out with me and my fiance lying in bed in the morning. I begin to describe to him a sexual fantasy. (This is significant, because while we have a satisfying sex life, I still have trouble letting go of my insecurities and being honest with him about how much of a slut I really am. I figure my omission leaves us room to grow in the future.) So anyways, as I'm describing to him this fantasy, he suddenly sits back in disgust. He looks at me like he doesn't know who I am, as if he never thought I would be into what I described.

At that same moment he gets up and starts dressing and packing his things. He starts acting very distant, and basically tells me that he doesn't want to get married. He explains that his Dad has been sent to prison, and so he is going to move into his Dad's house. He doesn't say much; doesn't really explain himself. He simply walks out and makes it clear in so many words that he's leaving me.

What's important about this dream isn't that he has rejected me, it's my reaction. At first all I can think about is how my Dad just put a non-refundable $5000 dollar deposit on the wedding location. I tell myself, "I'll pay you back Dad, every penny." Then it starts to sink in, he's leaving me and doesn't want to marry me. I can remember my thoughts very clearly. I think, "Shouldn't I be relieved? I get to be single now! I get to have first dates, first kisses, and sex with other boys!" But I don't feel any sense of relief. I am crying. I can feel a crushing pain in my chest, and I feel like my life is over. And then I keep repeating to myself, "Of course you aren't relieved. Who cares about fucking other guys when I love HIM. I don't want anyone else. I love HIM. He's the one I want to be with." And so the dream ends with this feeling of despair and hopelessness about my future, because I know that I can't get him back.

It was the kind of dream that still seemed real once I woke up, even though he was lying there next to me sound asleep. My despair turned to anger at his cruel behavior, and I imagined myself pulling a Lucy Ricardo and hitting him with the pillow in an irrational fury. After comtemplating the dream for a few hours (due to the fact that it was so closely tied to my current fears about my sex life and our relationship) I was grateful for having it. How else would I have been able to deal with my fear of getting married without actually breaking up? I was able to experience how I would feel if he left me; it seemed that real.

I know that in the end it was still just a dream, but it was so vivid and so correlated to my current insecurities that I can't help but consider it a sign. (Although, duh, that's where dreams come from.) Maybe I'm reading the sign wrong; maybe I should be focusing on the fact that he rejected my true sexual self in the dream. Maybe this means I was better off single in the end. And maybe my reaction was more about the fact that he dumped me, which always hurts, even if the relationship is doomed. I'm going to stop over-analyzing and go kiss my gorgeous fiance.

Child of the KORN

I saw KORN in concert last week; it was my third time going to see them live. I took my younger brother for his birthday because he had never seen them. We've both been huge fans ever since high school. I can still remember the first time I heard Life Is Peachy. I was visiting my friend in Florida for a few weeks in the summer, and we were stuck in her house for an entire week due to a tropical storm. She had two CD's to listen to: Life is Peachy and The Best of Oingo Boingo--so that's all we listened to all day long.

Interestingly enough, I was so captivated by Korn, that I didn't ever get sick of the songs. It was unlike anything I had heard before, and I fell in love with it. I'm not you're typical metal fan; I don't just like Korn because they are what some people would consider hardcore. In fact, I have strong disdain for what I consider mindless head-banging metal that is loud and harsh for what seems to be no reason (Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie come to mind). What I love about Korn is that they are hardcore, but there is real emotion and meaning behind their dark sound. Their music is truly creative and original, and to me it's beautiful. Every album is a unique experience.

Getting back to the concert-- it was still so exciting to see the band even though it wasn't my first time. My brother had a great time, and he seemed genuinely excited. There was a bit of nostalgia and sadness knowing that it was their greatest hits tour, which seemed somewhat ominous, like the beginning of the end. But overall I had an awesome time, and my heart still fluttered at the sight of Jonathon Davis (and David, the hot drummer, of course)....sigh. At the risk of sounding like a typical head-banger, KORN ROCKS!

P.S. I love Oingo Boingo too.

afterglow

I had a rather eventful & fabulous weekend in which I somehow managed to watch two new movies (NEW meaning movies I hadn't seen, as opposed to watching The Princess Bride for the 400th time), get some reading done, have an up-close celebrity sighting, go out for a romantic dinner with my fiance--all after sleeping in on both Sat and Sun until late hours of the morning. It was the perfect weekend!

Movie #1: Punch Drunk Love
Although some might say that this film is adorable and romantic (girls who have a crush on Adam Sandler), I found it difficult to follow and rather boring. I usually like off-beat, unconventional films which display creativity and originality, but this movie really tried my patience. Movies can be original and still make logical sense. After being just plain lost for the first half hour, I finally realized that this film was an experiment in sound and an exaggerated adaptation of the love story genre. I personally found the soundtrack to be annoyingly persistant and the characters uninteresting.

Movie #2: Something's Gotta Give
In my opinion this film was funny and refreshing, although I'm sure many would say it was predictable. I love the fact that it looked at the dilemma of the older single woman in the world of dating and sex. How great is it that after years of keeping her clothes on, Diane Keaton decided to disrobe at her age! I love it, and I'm not even old yet. It was also nice to see the tables turned on Jack Nicholson, the eternal bachelor who only dates women under 30. I got to see him have a heart attack, cry several times, and have a mature relationship with someone his own age. I don't really distinguish him from the character in the movie, so it was nice to see him grovel and suffer even if only on the big screen. The best part of this movie was the relationship between Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves. I hope that when I'm in my fifties or sixties, some young doctor will fall madly in love with me.

Reading in Progress: Battle Royale
I'm about half way through this Japanese novel, and so far it is awesome! Violence, drama, and psychological thrills--all from a group of Jr. High School students.

Celebrity Sighting: Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale!!!!
My fiance brought me with him for a side job on Sunday putting up press walls for Gwen's record release party at The Standard in LA. I didn't think I would see anyone because we usually set up way before the parties get started, but there was a slim chance. Right before we started setting up the walls, Gwen and Gavin walk right onto the red carpet where we were standing. I love LA and Hollywood! Proximity to celebrities is exciting and depressing all at once...I was starstruck and giddy, but I also felt the urge to stop eating. Yes, it's pathetic, but I imagined how great it would be to look that skinny and glamourous on a red carpet being gawked at by adoring fans... I would settle for being a respected writer, who happens to be gorgeous. ;)

luckier than some

Veterans Day has always meant something to me because my Dad was in Vietnam when he was very young, which was a bitter subject for him to discuss. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like for him to come home from a horrific war as a young kid (under 25 years old), only to be spit on and called a baby killer. That might sound cliché, but it happened to him. The few times he has spoken of that time in his life, it has made me uncomfortable. I see a very bitter, hateful, angry side of his personality that used to scare me as a child. And it makes me feel very sad for him, as this was only one of many dark chapters in his early life.

This year my younger brother is a veteran, having served in the first ten months of the Iraq war. He served in the Army for three years, getting out just weeks before the stop loss went into effect. I can’t really express what the past two years have been like, but I can say that every day I still wake up feeling lucky that he’s just a phone call away, safe at home.

On another note, I just have to say how horrible it is that Arafat is getting the attention that he is. I completely agree with this article on Arafat the Monster.

Memories

I was just remembering the 2000 election.

I was attending my first semester of college, living in the dorms, and the election didn't matter to me. There was nothing at stake. I wasn't afraid of terrorism, or losing my basic civil rights. The world was different. I don't know if it was because I was young, or because 9/11 hadn't happened, but I didn't give a damn about who won the Bush/Gore election. I wish that it could be that way again...

I don't care anymore

Having been immersed in the upcoming election for the last year, I am simply relieved that it's almost over. I voted for Kerry, for reasons previously stated, but I have to say that after I voted last week with an absentee ballot I started to doubt myself. And I hate to admit this...but I do feel a slight tinge of relief that it looks like Bush is in the lead. I think I started to feel it after my fiance, who is a strong democrat, made this comment: "Well, it looks like Bush is going to win and Osama will have to crawl back into his cave for a few years." That comment gave me the chills. I think that even though sometimes Bush's cowboy, kick ass arrogance is obnoxious, it does make some people feel a bit safer. The logical truth is that we are no safer today than we were before 9/11.

As a feminist, I strongly disagree with Bush's domestic policies. I'm scared to death that he will choose the next Supreme Court Justice and overturn Roe VS Wade. I hate the fact that Bush wants to ban gay marriage. And why the fuck does Bush preach against scientific advances like stem cell research! He's a Neanderthal.

But when it comes to foreign policy, I'm just not sure that Kerry has the backbone to pull us through Iraq and the war on terror. I like the fact that Bush has the guts to tell the UN to fuck off every once in a while. Especially France & Germany, countries that were at one time in bed with Saddam. Why the hell did the French fly Yasser Arafat to their country for medical attention when he is a supporter of terrorism? I like the fact that Bush is on Israel's side against suicide bombers and Arafat.

Those are really the only issues that make me lean slightly towards Bush. I guess it comes down which issue is more important right now: Domestic Policies or Foreign Policies?

NO, you know what, it comes down to the fact that I don't really like either candidate. I give up. I just want it to end. I'm giving myself frown wrinkles.

Book Review

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister
By Gregory Maguire

I just finished this book last night, and it was amazing. After reading Wicked, I was worried that Maguire’s second novel might leave me with disappointment as my expectations were rather high. I loved Wicked for so many reasons, and I didn’t think any other novel would compare. I was wrong; in fact, I would even go so far as to say that Confessions in some ways surpassed Wicked in the complexity of its multiple characterizations, concepts, and plot elements. It is a richly woven masterpiece. As soon as I finished it, having stayed up until 1:00am to do so, I immediately wanted to go back and read it again because I felt there was so much to interpret and digest. I can’t wait to read Maguire’s next novel, Mirror Mirror, and this time I’m sure that I won’t be disappointed.

putting my foot down

My friend Michelle has stopped returning my calls. The last time I saw her was about a month ago when I took her out to dinner for her birthday. Not that this matters, but I bought her a gift that I couldn’t afford, along with dinner and champagne. I didn’t really think that anything was wrong with our friendship, but we did discuss her drinking habits and what our other friends had been saying about her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt with her drinking, even though she has two DUIs under her belt and one day in jail and was still getting very fucked up on a weekly basis (although not driving because her license was suspended). So I told her what the other friends said, and she took it as hostile. But I explained my opinion, and clarified that I was worried about her. She didn’t seem to be mad at me, but she hasn’t called me since, and I’ve left over four messages just asking if she’s ok. Our other friends have told me that she is avoiding their calls too, even going so far as to screen for their calls at work and be mysteriously gone from the office.

I always knew that someday Michelle would do this to me, and that’s why I never got too close to her. She has done this to all her friends at one point or another, as I have been witness too. But she was a very cool person to be friends with, and so I’m sad and hurt that it’s probably over. I had even asked her to be a bridesmaid. She is one of those people who can turn her emotions on and off with a switch. She will cry one minute and tell me that she always wants to be friends, and the next minute she will be cold as ice.

But here’s the difference between me and her other friends. Normally, after a period of cutting them off, she calls them back and everything goes back to normal. They resume their friendship and it’s as if nothing happened. Well, that’s not how I am. You’re either my friend or you’re not. You either have the decency to call me and say, “yes, I’m alive, but I need some time alone.” Or you cut me off like I don’t even exist. And here’s the thing—I’m not a possessive friend who only wants to hang out with her and vice versa; I’m totally cool with us remaining friends and hanging out every few weeks or months. But I know Michelle, and I know that right now she’s thinking that she doesn’t need me as a friend, and that I’ve done something to betray her. So fuck her. My mom said that I should give her time; she’s going through something. I don’t care! I don’t have time to wait until she’s ready to call me and be my friend and let me know that she’s ok. And that’s why this whole situation is somewhat of a relief. Because this has been hanging over my head ever since we became friends and now I don’t have to deal with her anymore. True, I will miss her. But I disagree with how she treats me and I don’t have to put up with it. So Michelle, the next time you call me, if you don’t have a serious excuse for this bullshit, I will happily tell you to fuck off.

when did I grow up?

I’ve been searching for a better job lately, but it has become a bit overwhelming to narrow down what I want my career to be. I’m looking for a job that is stable, long-term, and gives me the experience I need to reach higher career goals; however, I’m having trouble defining those goals beyond the desire to be successful, happy, and oh yeah, rich. My interests are broad, but they all have to do with the ability to be creative. I’ve considered pursuing advertising/copywriting, entrepreneurial fashion designing, and fictional writing. Does choosing one of these fields automatically exclude the others? I know that at least with writing, it’s something that I can do on the side along with whatever else I choose to pursue.

I’m leaning towards the option of going back to school rather than settling on a permanent job. This way, I can relocate to a new area to get a higher degree and get some life experience in a new city. I’m hoping that getting a Master’s will mean that suddenly tons of great jobs will be at my fingertips, and I won’t feel so ignorant about what my realistic job choices are. On the other hand, I know that spending money to get an education isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. It will cost me even more financial debt, when I could be spending time getting real life experience working my way up in the real world. And when I get my next degree, I might end up with the same predicament I have now: where do I go from here? The problem is, I feel like I don’t know where to start.

Maybe the only thing my education has taught me thus far is that I am dependent on a system that tells me what to do. In college, did I learn to think for myself, or was I left feeling like I needed a counselor to point me in the right direction? And if so, is going back to school really the answer, or am I missing something that I need to teach myself? Part of me feels capable of getting out there in the real world now, and part of me feels like I need more focused teaching. When I hear myself asking these questions and thinking these thoughts, I feel that I sound very naïve and unknowledgeable. Like everyone else knows so much more about getting started in a career, and what options are out there.

When you’re young, people always tell you, “You can be whatever you want when you grow up.” Around the time I was in elementary school, I recall believing this statement, and imagining that I could be a famous actress, a well-known writer, or even the first female president (my goals were lofty in fourth grade). At some point or another I realized that that statement was total bullshit, and the odds were probably greater that I would be struck by lightning or bitten by a shark than become famous or elected president. I think I’m still bitter about the fact that I can’t be whatever I want when I grow up, because I am grown up, and I’m mostly just lost and confused about what my life should be. Will I just wake up one day and be in the middle of my career? Will I feel good about what I do everyday? It worries me that I can’t visualize what that would be like. On a more optimistic note, I know that my ambition to be successful is very high, even if I don’t know what I’m going to be successful at yet.

make believe

I'm very excited that Halloween is near. I've been invited to 3 costume parties (well, actually, I've been invited by a close friend who was invited--but it's better than no invitation at all). All three parties will feature the same general group of people, so I've had to decide on three costumes that are within my budget. My first costume will be for an evil-themed party: Cruella DeVil. For some strange reason I already have a bulky dalmation-print coat that I got from a thrift store in high school, and all I need to buy is the wig and a cigarette holder. For the second party I'm going to be Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, wearing the funky outfit that she sports in the opening credits: pink tank top and white tulle skirt. I also bought a gold necklace that says "Carrie," which was her signature accessory on the show. For the third party, which is anime-themed, I'll be a purple bondage fairy, and my two girlfriends are going to be in matching blue and red bondage fairy costumes. If only I was young enough to go trick or treating the holiday would be complete!

Books I Love

These are novels that I wish I could read again for the first time.

The Blind Assassin
By Margaret Atwood
~Impressive complexity, brilliant storytelling.

The Ultimate HitchHiker's Guide
By Douglas Adams
~The only book that ever made me laugh out loud.

The Mists of Avalon
By Marion Zimmer Bradley
~I already loved Arthurian Novels, so this story gave new perspective on a subject that I loved. I felt connected to the characters, and it was the first time that I could relate to any form of spirituality. This is a great novel for feminists.

Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
By Gregory Maguire
~Another retelling of a story that I already loved. Maguire does a great job weaving the mythology of OZ with a fresh perspective on the story.

The "Sleeping Beauty" Trilogy
By Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure
~My first experience with erotica; I was hooked from the first chapter.

Jane Eyre
By Charlotte Bronte

Wuthering Heights
By Emily Bronte

The Awakening
By Kate Chopin

The Stranger
by Albert Camus

I love the movies again

I finally saw the movie Garden State in its entirety, and it was really great. Especially considering that it was written AND directed by Zach Braff. This first film of his is very impressive. I mostly loved the soundtrack; it was emotionally stirring. This movie really portrayed what it feels like to go back to your home town—the sadness that you feel towards the loss of your childhood, as well as the sadness of seeing those who you went to school with that never got out of that town, and probably never will. Overall I would say that the creativity of this movie was refreshing. It was nice not to sit through the same clichéd crap that I’ve been used to lately.

On that note, my favorite movie of the year is out on DVD today; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I can’t wait to watch it again! This film was truly original and thought-provoking. It was a realistic love story that spoke to those of us who have endured long term relationships and ever doubted whether or not it was worth it stay in a relationship knowing all of its faults.

My job is sucking the life out of me

I can't do it anymore! I can't squeeze one more meaningless sentence of marketing text out of my brain! Words no longer make sense to me. I'm losing my ability to express myself on the page. In my emails to friends it sounds like I'm trying to sell them something. I am tired of discovering how many ways the same exact sentence can be written. Thank God it's Friday....all that comes to my mind is a cliche, what's happening to me?

Sad State

I hadn’t been to the movies for weeks—primarily because the early summer movies had left me so disillusioned that even the mention of going to the movie theater left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I had given up on modern cinema until I saw the preview for Garden State. It looked promising; unfortunately, the Santa Clarita Valley theaters didn’t even start showing the movie until the third week of September. After much anticipation, I bought tickets on Sunday afternoon.

As I entered the dark theater, I felt both optimistic and nervous. Would I have to endure another two hours of utter disappointment and disgust? Or would my faith in creative film making be renewed?

Things started out great. I was enjoying the tone, music, acting, dialogue—GONE. The film strip burned up and ripped apart right in front of our eyes on the giant screen.

As I left the theater with my refund, realizing that it was Santa Clarita’s only copy of the film, wondering if they would even bother to get another, I can’t fully describe my sadness. Will I ever recover from my despair and disillusionment? To be continued…

I think my parents are sleeping together

My parents got divorced right after I graduated high school. My mom, not having anyone to talk to, had often told me of their intimacy problems, so this wasn't too much of a surprise to me, but it was still difficult. She is thirteen years younger than him, so right about the time she reached her peak of sexuality, he was on a sharp decline. My mom met another man about a year later and stayed with him for four years. They were one of those couples that broke up every 8 months or so, only to get back together out of co-dependency and dysfunctional attraction. My mom and her BF got engaged this year (one month before I did), but they had another breakup last month. This one seems permanent, but so did the last two.

Since the break-up, my mom has been spending weekends at my dad’s house (which isn’t that weird, because they’ve been platonic friends ever since the divorce; in between her last break-up period she even moved into his guest bedroom to save $). I’ve always assumed, and she’s always reminded me, that my parents are nothing more than “companions.” They are great friends (or as she calls it “soul mates”) who could never resume a romantic relationship because he is physically incapable of doing so for whatever reasons (health, age, stress, psychology, etc). In fact, after spending her post-break-up weekends with my dad, my mom just had a talk with me two days ago letting me know that nothing other than friendship was going on. I was cool with that, even though I knew that my dad probably wanted more.

Here’s what I’ve been expecting since then: either my mom would get back together with her BF, or she would meet someone else. Either way, I knew that my parents would always be good friends and nothing more. A lot of people can’t understand their relationship, including my fiancé, whose divorced parents don’t even speak. I might have found it strange at first, but after five years of my mom’s relationship drama, I’ve gotten used to her closeness with my dad in their own platonic way.

So today my mom reveals something. Two days after her “your-dad-and-I-are-only-friends” talk, she hesitantly tells me, “You know what I said about your dad—about a romantic relationship never happening—well I was wrong.” She got embarrassed after that and told me to forget about it. That’s the funny thing about my mom; just when I think that nothing could surprise me, something does. I wasn’t shocked, and I didn’t really believe that my dad was incapable of certain things—I just honestly thought that she would never be attracted to him again. And now I get the feeling that my parents are headed towards getting back together. I guess it doesn’t surprise me that much, and it still might not happen. But to my great surprise, my parents are sleeping together.

You might think it’s odd that I can write this without being disgusted, but I’ve been hearing about the details of their relationship for years. When they were having problems, I was their therapist. And it doesn’t really bother me. I see them as parents, and also as people. It will be interesting to see what happens from this point on. Now I can honestly say that nothing would surprise me.

I’ve been following the saga of the LA County Seal lately, and I’m so fed up with this type of political nonsense. Just because the ACLU is threatening to sue the county over a ridiculous matter like a small cross on our county seal, council members in LA have voted to spend over $800,000 to change the seal. Now, I’m not religious, but HELLO—this county is called “Los Angeles.” It was founded by Spanish christian missionaries. The tiny cross on the seal is entirely HISTORICAL. What’s next, they decide that the names of our cities like LA and Santa Monica, and Sacramento, and San Diego are offensive too because they make religious references??? Why should we spend the money to change the seal because it offends some idiotic organization? This is how stupid the situation has gotten: they also plan to remove the representation of oil and the goddess Pomona. Are you fucking kidding me? I can understand that if a courthouse has the ten commandments listed above the doorway, that it is crossing the line into promoting a religion and it should be removed. I’m a reasonable person, but this whole situation is just a waste of time. And the new seal is just as politically incorrect, if not more:

"The new proposed seal is a waste of time, money and more importantly, depicts a barefoot, subservient Native American which is an insult to all people of color. It is A SLAP in the face of the Native American Culture and Historical contributions of the Missions of California", said David R. Hernandez.

So anyways, there’s going to be a petition to make these moronic politicians leave the Los Angeles County seal alone, or at least let the people vote on it. I plan to sign it. And by the way, if the ACLU does sue the county, chances are we will win, and it won’t cost a cent. Lawyers are already offering to argue the case for free. Why should we pay to change the seal when every month emergency rooms and hospitals are being closed in southern California? It’s insane.



I usually avoid discussing politics—not because I don’t have an opinion or aren’t informed—but because I usually get discouraged with other people’s partisan views. I’m not republican or democrat, and I think that both parties are too narrow-minded to get things right. Blanket labels like conservative and liberal are just stupid; everything depends on the situation. For the most part, I guess I would say that I’m conservative when it comes to economics; I think that capitalism is effective for those who believe in personal responsibility. That’s not to ignore the fact that racism, classism, and sexism DOES exist in society and gives some people unfair social obstacles. But I hate the victim mentality. As a society, we should work towards equality and fairness; but as individuals, we shouldn’t blame society for our lot in life. I have compassion for those who grow up with less opportunities than others, but I also truly believe that there are some opportunities for everyone if they work hard enough. I’m liberal when it comes to social issues. The government shouldn’t take away my right to choose or tell me who to marry.

As far as the election, I’m not a die-hard Bush hater like some people, but I won’t vote for him for several reasons—no woman should.

If he stays in office, there’s a very good chance that Roe VS Wade will be overturned and we will lose our right to choose.
I hate that he tried to pass a federal ban on gay marriage. As far as I’m concerned, homosexuals in this country are facing horrible civil rights violations and we should all be marching in the streets to support them.
Bush wants to grant all illegal immigrants in California BLANKET amnesty. This is why our hospitals are crowded and being closed down. This is why I sit in hours of traffic every week. This is why Al-Qaeda is getting into the country. Because both republicans and democrats refuse to protect our borders. I really wouldn’t care that so many people from Mexico were crossing the border, except that our economy in California can’t handle it. And by the way, if I traveled to France, I would assume that it was my responsibility to learn French. That seems to be common sense to me. Sorry if that seems politically incorrect.
While I can’t say that I think Saddam should be back in power, I don’t think it’s our job to “police” and “save” every crappy country around the world. It’s not our fault that the ungrateful Iraqi’s couldn’t save themselves and overthrow a dictator. Even now, they can’t come together and get their country running properly. We should have left them alone so they could eventually help themselves. Those soldiers dying over there are just kids, and that breaks my heart.
Bush has done nothing to stop terrorism. It was true before 9-11 and it’s true now. I think in some ways he ignored the warning signs because he knew that a terrorist attack would help his presidency and give him more power.

That’s why I can’t vote for Bush—because in every issue that’s important to me, including illegal immigration, which you’d think as a republican he’d act differently on—I disagree with him. If he gets elected, the crazy right-wing conservative nut jobs will have control over the entire country. Kerry seems drab, but much less harmless. And for the record, Michael Moore is an idiot. I saw his film and it should not be called a documentary. It was political propaganda, and it only looked at one side of the issue. Things aren’t that simple, and I felt that the way he addressed people in his narration was condescending and arrogant. In my opinion Moore is a liberal Rush Limbaugh (whom I also despise). My views closely resemble the attitude of KFI's John & Ken--it's a great talk-radio show.

The First Poem I Wrote in College

Xanadu

At last the stubborn
blaze of daylight
concedes to the moon. Beneath stars we
dance like devilish
elves through
forbidden realms. With eyes of
glass we laugh and lean,
holding potions that make us warm
inside. We forget ourselves
just for a while,
kissing recklessly the surge of impulses through
limber souls.
Moments loop and whirl away into
nothing remembered but
one sanguine haze.
Pleasure
quietly obscures
reason as
salacious fancy
tumbles
under
velour.
We romp through the fields of
Xanadu
yearning to reach the
zenith of relief from yesterday and tomorrow.

Feminist Poem

The Vagina Villanelle

The whole world is against me!
I am neither fish nor flower.
I am splendid complexity.

Stop trying to drown me
With products that overpower.
The whole world is against me.

Have you ever looked at me?
To discover is to empower.
I am splendid complexity.

Are you embarrassed by me?
I refuse to cower.
The whole world is against me.

If you have one you’re lucky—
Twice the purpose, twice the power.
I am splendid complexity.

You cannot invade me—
I devour.
The whole world is against me;
I am splendid complexity.

~R.H.

Loophole

The amount of
tar and nicotine
in this product
varies depending on
how you smoke it.

~My Found Poem

Nip/Tuck Superfan

Nip/Tuck is the greatest show EVER.

Yes, I am cynical, sarcastic, critical of pop culture, and sometimes just plain bitter. But I’m also a walking contradiction who loves shows that proudly embrace the cultural disintegration of society with gratuitous sex, drama, and dysfunction. We all have our junk food weaknesses, and mine is television. I was a die-hard 90210 Fan, I watched Melrose Place from beginning to end, and, even though I’m not the biggest reality television show enthusiast, I loved Temptation Island (season 1).

But Nip/Tuck has surpassed them all. Last night I was so excited over the alternate reality of Julia, that I could hardly contain myself! The thing about this show is that it’s not just mindless melodrama like Melrose Place was; Nip/Tuck has REAL emotion and interesting psychological implications, along with the over-the-top sex and surgeries. The dialogue is amazing. It’s the most creative show I’ve ever seen on TV.