Going somewhere but not here

I haven't been in the mood to write lately, despite the fact that I've been quite overwhelmed in the last few months.

Married life is really not that exciting. I feel good about my relationship, but there haven't been any earth-shattering changes. Rather than giving in to post-wedding blues, I have thrown myself into several tasks. Things are just as busy, if not busier, than my wedding planning days. That's a good thing-- because it keeps me from getting depressed. But I've also been stressed out as of late...and sometimes that causes me to lash out at my husband. I am trying very hard not to take out my emotions on him, because he really hasn't done anything to deserve it.

The holidays have been nice so far. I've gone to about 3 Christmas parties, and most of my shopping is done. This year money is tight...but I have a huge surprise planned for my husband. My excitement has given way to financial stress, but there's no turning back now.

I'm applying to Boston University this year where I hope to get my Master's in Advertising. I don't know what I'll do if I actually get accepted. The cost of moving and paying tuition makes this goal seem very far-fetched. But I know that if I didn't apply and at least find out if the possibility exists, I would have always regretted it. I am not happy with my current job, and it doesn't look like there's much else out there unless I continue my education. And honestly, I miss school. Without that constant stimulation I get bored very easily. If I do get accepted, I might be able to work it out IF I can pay off my credit card debt in the next year. That would definitely require a weekend job and a big change in my spending habits. My husband supports the move, so that is good to know. He hates his job anyways. And we both would love the chance to experience new things by moving somewhere else for a while.

My parents are getting re-married for the third time in Las Vegas for New Years weekend. I am looking forward to the trip, but there are still lingering doubts about whether or not their marriage is a good idea. I can see them falling back into their old patterns of behavior. Maybe they have just learned to accept their relationship for what it is. Or maybe they have forgotten how unhappy they both were. I'll be wishing them happiness either way.

When you're strange

It's been an odd week. My parents revealed that they are getting remarried...again. Let's hope third time's a charm. It doesn't bother me at all...it's just that I hope they are doing it because they actually make each other happy--not because they are settling for companionship and comfort. They've been living together as "Friends" for about a year, but my mom has been dating. She's made it clear in the past that there are certain factors missing from her relationship with my Dad, even though they are what she calls "soul mates." Maybe things have changed and their relationship has evolved. I'll admit that it's kind of romantic to think that they belong together, after all these years and everything they've gone through. I hope that's true; but there comes a point when marriage is compromise is practical is not-so-romantic anymore.

I was contacted this week by a very old friend through email. We were neighbors and friends when I was around 8 years old, but when I moved out of that house our families lost touch. She found my profile on a friend network and sent me a message. One thing that struck me were the similarities between us--she is my age, married to a man seven years older than her, with no kids, just like me. Overall the experience has made me realize what a profound change the internet has had on the world. People who you thought you would never see again are just a quick internet search away. I mean, in the past if you really wanted to find someone there were ways to do it--but it took serious commitment and resources. The implications are mind boggling; however, at this moment in my cubicle I can't find the energy to eloquently express them.

Off-White Wedding

These last few months have been a whirlwind of planning and parties and excitement. And now it's all over, and I'm married. I'm not quite used that yet, but it's only been four days. The actual wedding went by so fast that it's hard to imagine why it took over a year of planning.

When I was younger I didn't think I would ever want to get married. I wrote myself a letter my freshman year in high school as an assignment in English class in which we were supposed to imagine where our lives would be in ten years. I remember writing to myself, "If you are married with children and somehow find satisfaction with that choice in ways that I can't fathom, then congratulations. But if not, I TOLD YOU SO!"

My English teacher from that year actually attended the wedding. During the brief moment that I had to talk to her she brought up the fact that in high school I had doubts about marriage, but that she was sure that I would be happy. I do feel happy right at this moment. The stigma of marriage still bothers me, but even if things change in the future I won't regret the choice that I made now. It was such an amazing experience that I never imagined I would have.

When I go driving I stay in my lane

Commuting is just a way of life for me; it has been for years. I spend about 2 and a half hours on the road every day, during the week. It doesn't really bother me anymore--I've learned how to handle stop and go traffic without going insane. I basically just take a deep breath and learn to cope by realizing that it's out of my control.

My sanity also depends on talk radio-- KFI640 am. I listen to Bill Handel in the mornings, and John and Ken in the afternoons. (I greatly despise Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura, so don't get the wrong idea about me.) Actually, KFI is so informative and interesting that sometimes it makes me look forward to my drive. Now that I've been listening to it I have a much greater understanding of politics and world events. This radio station was vital in keeping me from becoming a liberal wacko in college-- a tragic fate for many in my age group.

But as of late I found myself getting sick of constant talk radio. I tried to mix things up with music, but since I listen to my ipod all day at work that got tedious as well. I started to get depressed about the hours of my life that were being wasted in the car. I needed to find a way to make the most of my weekly commute. That's when I first gave audiobooks a try.

At first I was skeptical about the whole audiobook-thing. I thought, isn't that just cheating? Will it be hard to listen to the words and get the same level of understanding? Once I listen to a book, will I really be able to say that I read it? Since then I have listened to three books, and I've come to the conclusion that it's a great way to squeeze in some extra reading when I'm sick of talk radio. Plus, it gives me a chance to discover some books that I might not have had the motivation to read. The best part is that I don't feel like my time in the car is just wasted. I've actually accomplished something during my commute!

I won't just listen to any book, though. My reading ethic is somewhat complicated, but basically I feel that audiobooks should be either non-fiction, or fiction that is plot-driven without being extremely literary in nature. For example, I don't think that listening to an audiobook of Bronte's Wuthering Heights would be a good way to comprehend such a literary masterpiece. That is the kind of text that needs to be read and re-read in order to appreciate its meaning. On the other hand, I would have no problem listening to an Anne Rice or Stephen King audiobook, because I don't feel that it's written at a level of complexity that requires my full attention. Obviously when I'm driving my mind will be doing two things a once.

Non-fiction audiobooks are perfect for me, because I don't have the patience to sit down and read them but it's easy and fun for me to listen to them. I can explore historical topics, biographies of criminals and celebrities, and instructional texts. I just listened to Helen Morrison's audiobook on her experiences with serial killers--which is a topic that I was very excited to learn more about. I also tried out an instructional audiobook that taught French lessons, which was fun and surprisingly effective.

happy birthday blog

I can't believe it's been a year since I began my sporadic ramblings on this blog! Although I haven't exactly been consistent, I'm still proud of myself for not deleting or abandoning the closest thing I have to a journal...this is a big step for me. Yay.

keep it real

I've been watching MTV's Real World since about the 4th season off and on. My favorite casts include San Francisco, Miami, and Boston. I haven't watched many of the new seasons, but I have caught a few of the current cast in Austin.

Usually I end up really liking half of the cast and hating a few of them, but I just have to say that this season MTV picked a bunch of assholes. (Minus the girl who served in Iraq--she speaks her mind and seems like a sweet girl)

But other than her--the cast just sucks. They are total idiots and everything they do just pisses me off until I change the channel in disgust. Now it may be that at this point the show is ultimately doomed to be absurd and infuriating because anyone who actually gets picked is just acting the way they want to be seen on TV. But I'm sticking with my theory that these cast members in particular are morons.

I mean--Melinda does the whole boyfriend-back-at-home drama on the second day?! And then on the 3rd day when she decides to go after Danny, she actually makes the statement, "I've changed so much since I've been here." AFTER THREE FUCKING DAYS.

And I would say that I despise Danny, but I just saw the episode where his mom died and that sucks. But really, that fight where he got his face busted in was just ridiculous. It happened for no reason! They were searching for Nehemiah because he left because Johana started hitting him because....she's a dumb drunk ass bitch. So then they go searching for him yelling, "Have you seen the black guy?" down the streets of Austin (which is hilarious and sooo wrong) and Danny ends up with a broken bone in his face. That whole episode epitomizes how moronic this entire cast is.

The Emerald City

I saw Wicked at the Pantages theater this week in Hollywood. The tone was much more humorous than Gregory Macguire's book, but I think it was a necessary interpretation for a musical. It was fascinating to compare the novel to the show; there were quite a few plot changes. I felt that most of the additions, such as incorporating characters and lines from the original Wizard of Oz, were very clever and fun. The musical even managed to have a happy ending! Having read and loved the book, this aspect was bittersweet. The costumes were amazing. I was in awe of Stephanie J. Block, who portrayed Elphaba. Her voice was so powerful; I just can't imagine how she performs at that level of intensity every night of the week.

I don't go to the theater often; I saw The Lion King a few years ago--but that's about it. I wish I could afford to go more often, but then I think going too frequently would lessen the mystic of the experience for me. Someday I hope to see a Broadway show in New York. I don't know why it seems so glamorous to me, but it does.

Days go by

I'm suddenly very paranoid about my lack of a decent memory. Sometimes friends or family bring up past events, and I either can't remember when they happened, or if they happened at all! This worries me greatly. I believe that our memories are all we have. If I can't remember what happened on my 16th birthday, then it's kind of like it never existed. For this reason I have always wanted to keep a diary, but I don't have the discipline.

My new goal is to create a log of events that I can and would like to remember starting from this year and going back as far as I can. It won't be descriptive like a journal, more like a timeline with dates, locations, and people. Hopefully I can stick to this goal. The exercise might even help to dredge up some memories that are slowly fading. I would also like to eventually include lists of dreams I've had, movies I've watched, and books I've read. Once I'm caught up to the present, I think I will be motivated to keep going with will be a more detailed journal.

Seven things NOT to say to your Girlfriend (or a Girl that you are trying to hit on):

7) Did you just drop a bomb? (translation: Did you just fart?)
6) Oh look, my cat's eyes are bluer than yours!
5) No matter what I eat I just can't gain weight!
4) No offense, but you really need a tan.
3) No offense, but [insert pretty much any phrase].
2) Are your boobs getting smaller?
1) How's that diet going?

(Yes, these are actual statements directed towards me by the opposite sex)

Carrie Bradshaw wannabe

So many things to buy, so little funds. The only activity that satisfies my compulsion for spending is to fill up online shopping carts and then abandon them. It's so tragic. Here's what I've been eyeing lately. I might never be able to have them, but at least they will be immortalized on my insignificant blog...



Sigh...

Father can you hear me?

When I was a little girl, my inner thoughts almost entirely consisted of conversations with God. It could be said by some that God was my imaginary friend--but I'm not saying that. I don't still talk to him, but for all I know he really was listening to me all those years.

I specifically remember directing my thoughts to him whenever I really wanted something. My thoughts would go something like this: Ok God, I know I've asked for things before, but if you give me [insert childhood desire] I promise never to ask for anything again. Just do this one thing for me so I know for sure that you exist. This is your last chance to prove to me that you are real. Please Please Please. Show me a sign.

And this would continue until I realized he wasn't going to grant my wish. Why did I equate God with a Genie? In my mind it seemed like God was this creature with tremendous powers, so how hard could it be for him to make me happy? It would be a win-win situation. I would get what I want, and he would have a lifetime believer in a world of cynics.

The funny thing was that my wishes were typically magical in nature. It wasn't like I asked for a pile of money (well, sometimes I did, but not often). Here are some examples of what I prayed for with great intensity:

~The ability to fly (Yes it's cliche, but it would be lovely).
~To become a mermaid (This one lasted for years, thanks to Disney).
~To be a princess in a castle with unicorns. (Looking back, I don't see the payoff with this one).

They weren't the most practical goals, but I figured they were easy tasks for someone like God.

Sometimes I just wished for small glimpses of his existence. I would say things like, Just send a shooting star across the sky right now, and I will believe in you. I think back on it, and it makes me sad. I mean, I know that if there is a God, he must be busy, blah blah blah. To have faith in him means you don't need proof--blah blah blah. But jeez, would it really have been THAT HARD to send a shooting star?

Things ARE that bad, and they ARE out to get you.

For someone who hates awkward social situations, I sure do manage to get myself into them quite often. Since working at my new job, I've made several attempts to get to know my coworkers. I've attended two happy hour get-togethers in the last month at a local bar, hoping that the presence of alcohol would expedite the process. Silly me.

The alcohol certainly sped things up on my end; however, I fear that my direct approach was not reciprocated. Here is an example of my inability to function in new social situations, particularly those involving coworkers:

The first topic I brought up was the fact that my best friend had recently gotten her clit pierced. At the time it seemed like a good idea for two reasons--a) I thought that bringing up something of that nature would thwart any preconceived notions that they might have of me, considering that I can appear very shy and prudish at first glance--and b) I was honestly curious about what other people thought of that type of piercing. After bringing it up and seeing the discomfort on the faces of the men, I realized that they were probably more worried about violating sexual harassment laws than conversing about the female body with a young and unknown new girl from the office.

On that note...

I also have to say that cubicle life lends itself to awkward situations. I feel quite isolated inside these three walls, and yet I can hear everything that everyone says throughout the office. This keeps me from talking on the phone, or even to another coworker most of the time. I don't want people to hear me, so I usually just stick to instant messaging in order to communicate. Every once in a while, I will call out to my friend across the isle, but I will try to do it quietly. On these occasions she usually can't even hear me, so she will call out for me to repeat myself, and so ensues another awkward moment that everyone else in the office can most certainly hear.

Other times, I will be surfing the web and suddenly stumble upon something funny. It sounds very strange to hear someone burst into laughter in the midst of a perfectly silent room. So instead, I will try to muffle my uncontrollable laughter, making the stiffled laugh sound even more strange! Not to mention the fact that every time I sneeze, cough, chew, swallow, or breath it is so quiet in this damn office that I feel as though everyone can hear that too! Yes, I may be paranoid, but that's just another consequence of sitting in a cubicle for eight hours with one's back unnaturally exposed. If someone enters my cubicle without my knowledge, it is not uncommon for me to jump a bit once I suddenly notice them standing there. People like me really prefer to have our backs to the wall, with the ability to face those that pass by. In college I always sat in the back corner seat so that I wouldn't feel the eyes of other students burning into the back of my head.

I am one crazy bitch.

just another day

I don't feel like writing complete thoughts today, but I should write something.

I feel guilty about how much money my Dad is spending on the wedding. I hate feeling guilty, particularly when there is nothing I can do about it.

I am socially inept. This is caused by my social anxiety, which is caused by my low self-esteem, which is caused by my awareness of being socially inept. Oh, and it doesn't help that I'm extremely neurotic.

I need to find my happy thoughts. They don't seem to be anywhere in my cubicle.

I have bangs--just got them cut yesterday. I think I like them.

Credit card debt sucks.

I feel like going shopping.

In fifteen minutes I will go out for lunch. Will I eat healthy or break down and stuff myself and feel gross for the rest of the day?...hmmm.

Lovage: Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By

I am in love with this album. Here are the lyrics to the best two songs:

Book of the Month

You and me are the disease and the germs are spreading
Use me like listerine, keeping your breath fresher
Feel the stroke of your paintbrush, my blank sheet of paper
I'm your book of the month, read the fine print later

We'll invent new four letter words
You are the bitter, I am the sweet
Run through the fields, sing with the birds
You are the griddle, I am the meat

I'll turn you on like the electric company
You are the bitter, I am the sweet
Flick on the switch and light your pilot light
You are the griddle, I am the meat

We'll laugh away our golden years
You are the bitter, I am the sweet
We'll line the clouds with silver tears
You are the griddle, I am the meat

You are the bitter, I am the sweet
You are the griddle, I am the meat
You are the trick, I am the treat
You are the circus, I am the freak

Stroker Ace

Monsieur Dan
Can I come with you
As you both look awfully kind

Sadly he and me are through
Let me tell you what i've got in mind
I'll sing to you my mewing charm
Looks like you both could use a pet
And purr my purr all night long
I think a pussy's your best bet

Stroke that shiny coat
Stroking is the antidote
Stroke that, it's a start
Only for the wild at heart
Stroke that shiny coat
Stroking is the antidote
Stroke that shiny coat
Stoking's what it's all about

My tail alone could tell you tales
It's got a life all of its own
Watch it move just like a sail
Sail you to the twilight zone
I love to lap a spot cream
And i assure you that i'm neat
But you never know what you can expect
When the pussy is in heat

I like to watch, if you don't mind
Every sphinx knows how to pass the time
Your little love nest suits me well
Let me show you how to cast a spell

Dancing Queen

For some reason when my girlfriends and I go out dancing, we always meet really nice guys--the kind we might actually date if we weren't all in serious relationships.

Don't get me wrong, we get hit on by all kinds of men, including those who are just looking to get laid or grind inappropriately on the dance floor.

But by the end of the night, we always end up meeting and hanging out with very sweet guys who don't mind that we are taken. We always let them know fairly soon that we have boyfriends, and I usually throw in the obligatory, "Feel free to ditch us for someone you might actually have a chance with," line.

I have come to the conclusion that these gentlemen stick around because either A)they hope that they still have a chance with us by wearing us down with their charms, or B)not all guys go to dance clubs to hook up like dogs!!

Take Friday night for instance. I ended up at a 70's/80's dance club with four of my friends, and we spent the whole night with two guys from the east coast. One of them, Scott, told me he was from Maine and had lived in SoCal for three years. He looked like a cute surfer boy to me, and he was a very polite dance partner. When Abba's Dancing Queen starting playing, he even took me out onto the floor and swirled me around as if I was one...it was fun.

His friend, whose name I never caught, was equally polite and sweet. He kept telling the three of us that we were "soooo cute" and that he wished we were single. Nonetheless, he stuck around for hours as well. At the end of the night he kept giving us hugs-- and I'm talking about innocent hugs, not anything perverted or sexual. My friend even gave him her business card so that they could email us if they wanted to go dancing again sometime. It was like meeting some new gay friends...only they weren't gay. It left the three of us sighing with contentment. There are great guys out there! If were we single, it might not be all bad.

What amazes me is that this is not the only time it has happened. Almost everytime we go out, my friends and I end up hanging out with guys who are genuine and polite. Now that I think about it, most of them are originally from out of state....hmmm.

your love can't pay my bills

I haven't had much time to write lately because I've started my new job, and oh yeah, my home computer crashed. Being neurotic is mentally exhausting, particularly when entering new social situations such as an unfamiliar workplace. I constantly doubt my thoughts, actions, and every little human interaction of the day, until I can get in my car and drive home for 90 minutes. During the commute I proceed to over-analyze and regret several things that occured. I arrive home in a dispicable mood, which does not bode well for my affectionate fiance. Hopefully I will get past this initial phase in the next week or so and become comfortable with my new job. I wish my colleagues were a bit more friendly...but I can get over that. It's better not to be distracted with friendships at work anyways because it always leads to awkward conflicts.

I recently found out that my half sister is going to be coming into an extremely large amount of money. Her boyfriend is part of a court case that involves a multi-million dollar settlement, and they will have the money and be married by the end of the year. I am very happy for her, but worried too. I hope her boyfriend doesn't abandon her once he receives his money; and I hope that once they both get it they won't fall back into their old drug habits (they met in rehab). All bad thoughts aside, I am truly happy for her. Her life has been filled with poverty and sorrow, and she deserves some relief. I must admit that it is strange to know that a family member is going to be so well off...I'm not close to her, and I can't help but wonder if things would be different if I was. If that makes me a bad person, oh well. I'm only being honest, and I guess my mind is always wondering about what it would be like to have money.

Ridicule breathes a sigh

I haven't been gaining weight, but I can't seem to get rid of these 15 extra pounds that got tacked on when I started college. I've been telling myself to lose the weight for five years now. Why can't I follow through?! I'm just disgusted with myself and it makes me cranky. I always joke about how I'm an eating disorder waiting to happen, but I don't even have the discipline to follow through with that!

The good news for the week is that I got a job (Yay me! They offered me more money than I asked for!). Hopefully the stress of this new responsibility will speed up my metabolism... I won't be sitting at home all day watching Oprah, so that's a step in the right direction.

I had the strangest interview this week at an advertising agency. This guy asked me who my favorite authors were, and when I gave him a few names he stopped me mid-sentence by blurting out, "Oh, I don't read, so I have no idea who you are talking about." I was like OKAY, then why the fuck did you ask me that question?

I really hate interviews. Even when they go very well, I walk out of the room analyzing every question and every answer with great unease. Interviews epitomize the awkward aspect of social interaction that I loathe. I don't think you can judge how well a person is for a job by judging their response to an interview. It's like judging the strength of an ant by the way he reacts to being held under a magnifying glass in the sun.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

I have spent the last month bored out of my mind. My weekday routine as an unemployed gal now involves the following: sleeping in every day, taking long steamy showers, searching for jobs, and watching Oprah. Daytime television is just awful, and yet I still spend about two hours of the afternoon flipping through the channels hoping to find something worth watching. I should be spending my time in a more constructive manner (like, uh, writing or something). My motivation to be productive on these lonely weekdays is extremely low.

However, I must pat myself on the back for taking over some of the domestic duties that I previously heaped upon my fiance such as cleaning, grocery shopping, and cooking (err-- reheating). It's not something that he should get used to though; I have realized in the last few weeks that I absolutely hate being domestic any more than I have to.

I have had a few interviews, and within the next two weeks I will be probably be forced to choose between two options:

1) Full time position as an Internet copywriter.
The pros: It pays very well and offers excellent benefits.
The cons: This job will not give me the experience I need to transition into an advertising career. In fact, I will most likely find the work tedious and stifling.

2) Part time Internship at an Advertising Agency.
The pros: The first step towards a career in advertising, giving me the experience I need in a job that I would love.
The cons: The internship is part time, pays a meager $10 an hour, and is located brutally far from my apartment. It would require that I work another part time job just to make ends meet.

My weekends have been entirely dedicated to wedding plans, which is actually very fun at this point. I am starting to get excited about what is going to be a kick ass party! And the sentimental stuff is getting to me during certain moments...The more I think about it the more confident I am that getting married will be wonderful. My relationship seems very strong right now, even with the stress of losing half of our income.

dream dream dream

My dreams tend to fall into one of three categories:

1) My teeth are falling out or breaking, and I suffer from tremendous humiliation and anxiety trying to come to terms with it. (Or sometimes it's my hair)

2) My fiance does something horrible to me, like cheating or breaking up with me. (One time I had a dream in which he was having sex with his best friend, a guy, and it traumatized me for weeks)

3) I win the lottery or somehow come into a very large sum of money. These are the dreams that I regret waking up from, because it takes me a few minutes to realize that it was just a dream. The dreams are so realistic, that I can actually remember feeling that incredible sigh of relief that my money worries are over.

So what does it all mean?

1)One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Sadly, we live in a world where good looks are valued highly and your teeth play an important role in conveying that image. Another rationalization for these falling teeth dream may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.

2) To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel some lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others.

3)To see or win money in your dream, symbolizes that success and prosperity is within your reach. Money may represent confidence, self-worth, success, or values. You have much belief in yourself. Alternatively, dreaming about money, refers to your attitudes about love and matters of the heart. It is frequently a symbol for sexuality and power. In particular, finding money indicates your quest for love or for power.

The world outside passes me by

I'm really glad that I happened to be stuck at home during what has been the rainiest season southern California has ever seen. Somehow I have managed to avoid having to travel through any of the rain storms. Rain is much more fun when you get to stay home and drink hot cocoa.

I've been spending these stormy weeks watching movies and television shows.

Project Runway has been very entertaining, and I am so excited about the finale tomorrow night. 2 whole hours of designer drama!

The Notebook was OK. It wasn't as emotionally stirring as I expected. I was looking forward to a film that was bit sexier, and then sadder. But the young lovers were disappointing, and so I didn't feel as sad when their old counterparts faced problems. Unfortunately, not a tear was shed. But I would watch it again just to see Ryan Gosling. Hottie!



Saved! and The Dangerous Lives of Alter Boys were both really great films. Each star Jena Malone--who is so adorable and talented (and who apparently never ages). Both of these movies dealt with high school students attending religious schools, although they take place in different time periods and are each uniquely wonderful.

Ok, while this does somewhat undermine my typically high standards of movie criticism, I have to admit something.

My name is Daria, and I'm a Keanu Reeves fan.

Now that I have that off my chest, I am excited to announce that I really enjoyed Constantine. From what the comic book geeks have told me, it doesn't exactly follow the original story, and that has some of them feeling betrayed. I can understand that, but as a newcomer to the saga of this character, I enjoyed the film tremendously. This film was successful in communicating quite a few complex and interesting religious themes. I was intrigued by the character of Gabriel, played by Tilda Swinton. The plot had me a bit confused, and the acting wasn't exactly profound, but Rachel Weisz is just awesome in anything she does. And Keanu...I believe every word that comes out of his mouth because I JUST DO.

Never the same girl twice

I crimped my hair today. I am going to a party later tonight, and I just got the urge to look like a different person. My hair is very difficult to style because it's as fine as baby hair and very, very straight. It doesn't hold a curl for more than ten minutes. But for some reason, it will hold a crimp for days.

When I crimp my hair it looks almost like I have an afro, with so much added volume that am unrecognizable. That's why I love to pull out the crimper every now and then, even though it's oh-so-eighties and not exactly stylish. I also love the fact that I'm still using the same pink crimper that my mom bought me when I was probably about seven years old.

For the past hour I've been staring into the mirror imagining what type of person I should pretend to be tonight.

Will work for shoes

I have been laid off. It feels very strange to be unemployed, especially since I'm not in school anymore. This is not how things are supposed to go for me. I am supposed to be well on my way to a successful career that will enable me to hire my own chef, personal trainer, and chauffeur.

Happy V Day.



Basketball fans should check our NCAA Basketball Betting or College Basketball Betting. Or whatever.

Hurts so good

In the last week I have seen two exceptional films that I must mention. They both caught me off guard, as I wasn't particularly excited about seeing them. Over the last year, I've really had to force myself to sit down and watch a movie. I just haven't been in the mood. My disappointment in certain films has really made it difficult for me to take on chance on movies that I don't already know I'm going to love. But the experience of sitting through these two amazing films has made me realize that it's worth sitting through some bad ones to find the great ones. In other words, I need to start watching more movies!


Sideways
This movie made me laugh, cry, and contemplate my existence. (Yes, it's about a writer, so I realize not everyone will be as moved by the story). I also happen to love wine, so I found this theme interesting as well. I don't know much about wine other than the fact that I prefer the red variety. This movie didn't exactly make me want to go out and refine my palette; but it did make me want to try something other than merlot (which is normally the only type I buy). I'll still settle for less than $10 bucks a bottle--but I will swirl the wine around in the glass before I sip.


Hero
This movie had me in tears for almost an hour. But they were those tears that feel so good, that you just want to indulge in for the rest of the night. All I can say is that it was the most beautiful film I've ever seen. I was already a fan of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, so I was apprehensive about seeing this movie because I thought it might just be too much of the same thing. I was absolutely wrong! (You won't hear me say that often)

"I write emotional algebra."

I have just discovered Anais Nin. I can't wait to read her collection of diaries and erotic stories. She seems fascinating.

Here are some of her quotes:

~Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments. I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous.

~My diary is a mirror telling the story of a dreamer who, a long long time ago went through life the way one reads a book.

~Man can never know the kind of loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in a woman's womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. The woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she has bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child-bearing and man-bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to BE. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment the man rests inside of her.

~I have the right to love many people at once and to change my prince often.

~Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes one feel as you might when a drowning man holds unto you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.

Loves sushi, will travel

Lately I've been searching for job openings online, and I've come across some teaching jobs in Japan. There are companies that will train me, assist in relocation, and offer a year contract to teach English in Japan. It seems so intriguing to me! It would give me the chance to travel and experience new things for a year, while allowing me time to contemplate my long term career goals. My fiance loves the idea as well, so I know that he would go with me.

I've been wanting to change employment because I don't feel that my current job is really leading me on the path that I want to go, career-wise. However, I also don't think I'm ready to "settle" into anything permanent with a specific company. That's why this teaching job seems so perfect. It's temporary, it would look great on a resume, and the entire experience would probably be good for me.

That's not to say that there aren't any downsides. I've never lived far from my family--I've never traveled to another country. It would be challenging and perhaps scary, but maybe I need to be taken out of my comfort zone for a while. If it turns out to be horrible, I can always come home. Having someone with me will make things easier. If I was single, I might still be interested in the job, but I don't know if I could handle the transition to another country on my own.

I'm going to do some research first on what it's like to teach in Japan. My goal would be to wait until after the wedding and then apply for the job. That gives me almost an entire year to think it over and get prepared. The more I think about it, the more exciting it seems.

It's My Life

There are many things that infuriate me about the latest news regarding Roe vs Wade, but what pisses me off the most is that the majority of the news articles make it sound like "Roe" is now objecting to the right to abortion for medical reasons.

First of all, abortion is proven medically safer than pregnancy.

Secondly, Norma McCorvey (Jane Roe) has become a conservative religious fanatic, and THAT is the only reason she is trying to get the abortion decision overturned. I can't believe this article doesn't even mention the religious aspect of the story.

I find the growing political force of right-wing religious fundamentalists disturbing--they don't outnumber the sane people, but they are louder and more powerful right now.

One More Thing: If Bush uses the phrase "culture of life" one more time, I am going to fucking scream. I can't even adequately express in words how much it infuriates me.

bitch goddess

My sleeping habits are back to normal, and I have become distracted from my depression with the recent wedding planning activities. My moods are still unpredictable, but hopefully I will get over it soon.

I've started to realize certain things about myself over the last month, mostly things that I don't like, so I'm having this internal battle between my conscience and my habits. If I'm a mean, judgmental person who has a large array of flaws, should I try to change myself or just accept who I am and go with it? I'm starting to develop my plight into a dilemma that is novel worthy: are villains born wicked, with their evil actions inevitable, or do they have hope of changing? Should they want to change? I don't know, I have a more complex post in the works regarding this idea.

I've decided against working a second job; it just makes me too grumpy and miserable all the time to think about how I don't have weekends off. I'll just have to give up any hope of shopping or waxing or getting pedicures for the time being. We'll see how that goes.

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like a prayer

I’m still feeling rather depressed. This weekend I’m going to a wedding open house at the ceremony and reception site with my mom and some friends so they can all see the place. I hope that I get more excited about it by Sunday.

I’ve been having some strange dreams lately. In one of them I was having sex with Michael Vartan in an indoor swimming pool. The pool was in a shabby building that had plastic tarp covering a hole in the roof. The strange thing was that we weren’t alone in the room; there was some sort of religious ceremony going on with someone who was claiming to be the messiah. Michael wanted to pay attention to the ceremony (now that I think about it, he might have been wearing a priest’s robe, because I vaguely remember a black and white collar) and instead I kept forcing him to have sex.

Make me over

If I could be on the MTV show "Made" I would want them to make me a stripper. I know it's mostly a high school show with teenagers, but if they did a more adult version I would really want to become an exotic dancer. I would have to overcome so many inhibitions--it would be the ultimate challenge for me.

I'm not sure how I feel about reality television. It's a guilty pleasure that I occasionally watch, and I don't see myself as the type of person who would participate in it. But sometimes I think it would be exciting.

The ghost with the most

I was in denial, but I can no longer fool myself. White Noise is not going to be worth the 8 bucks. It's pg13, the scorching reviews are starting to pile up by the hour, and I know better than to let my love of Michael Keaton blind my better judgment. Maybe someday I will rent it and see for myself if it really sucks that bad. Until then I think I will go home and watch Beetlejuice and Batman 1 & 2 to make myself feel better.

What's on the menu this evening sir?

Damnit! I applied for three jobs in the last few days and I may have actually gotten one. I'm now going to be one of many people who work two jobs to survive.

This new job is part time at a Chinese restaurant answering phones and helping customers at the front desk. It's not a job that requires much skill, and I will only be working three nights a week. On the other hand, it will require me to do what I haven't done in over six months--deal directly with the public.

The one thing that I love about my full time job, other than having every weekend off, is the fact that I don't have to perform customer service on any level. I don't even have a phone at my desk. I just sit at my computer and write copy all day. No dress code, no forced smiles, no awkward social contact.

I'm working this weekend at the restaurant for two days so the owner can see if I "fit" the position. I'm going to use this probationary period to see if the job "fits" me as well.

Can't Get a Grip

I haven't been sleeping well lately. It's something that usually happens around this time of year; my mind is restless, I'm having financial problems, and my relationships with friends and family are strange right now. I find myself over-analyzing every conversation and re-living certain moments until I either steep myself in self-disgust or just break down into tears. I also have a tendency to dwell on embarrassing moments of the past and get angry about them. It's all very self-indulgent and narcissistic, but I can't stop myself. I'm in a funk, and I seem to be taking it out on my fiance. But surprisingly enough, he's been very sweet no matter how bitchy I get! I truly think he's the only person in the world who can put up with me.

Even my mom cut me off when I called her the other night for consoling, so I know I must seem annoying right now. She's usually willing to listen to me no matter what. I can only hope that my mood will motivate me to get some writing done. I usually do most of my writing during periods of intense emotions. I like to purge my negative energy into grotesque characters and stories.