Marriage and Video Games

I just read this article on Salon.com by Rachel Shukert called How Rock Band saved my marriage.

Hilarious! I also used to hate my husband's video game addiction until I started playing Rock Band.

It also contains several insights about married life that hit very close to home for me.

The most depressing thing about getting older isn't really the reminders of inevitable physical decay -- the gray hairs that pop up in unexpected places, the faint lines beginning to etch themselves permanently in the corner of each eye, the mornings when you wake up with a hangover, even though you haven't been drinking -- but the gradual winnowing of options, as your personal limitations become more and more obvious and eventually start beating you about the head and neck with brutal force. The chasm between who you planned to be and who you are grows wider and impossible to traverse.

We try to make ourselves more interesting. We might take up salsa dancing, or become obsessed with cheeses, or begin to wear a fez in public. When this fails, we begin to take out our hostility on the person we feel trapped us in our inescapable little shell of mediocrity. Whether this hostility is expressed by retreat into a fantasy world in which one is a gun-slinging super-fighter saving the world from totalitarian evil (him) or a plunge into unforeseen depths of pathetic, whining neediness (me), the result is the same. You start to fake-hate each other, and if you're not careful, the fake-hate festers into real hate, and suddenly, ladies at synagogue are clucking their tongues at your mother. "It's such a shame! They seemed like such a nice young couple."

That is so true, and so accurately describes what I've been going through during the last few years of my relationship. I've only been married for 3 years, but we've been together for 8 and the honeymoon is definitely over. Sometimes I think my new obsession with video games is a great because it brings us together.

But then again... maybe it's just another case of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" as with my conversion to watching and following sports (which I never did before we met.) Why am I the one who always becomes interested in his hobbies? Maybe it's just me being neurotic, but it's never been the other way around.

Back to School

I'm pretty much settled in Boston...wow I can't believe it's been so long since I visited my little blog. Since then I've left behind all my friends and family, driven across the country, and moved into a tiny apartment in the South Shore of Boston. The last three weeks since I moved in have been strange. Everything has gone smoothly, but the reality of being all alone in this city has started to hit my husband and I. We both have really enjoyed the experience so far, but sometimes I can tell he is as scared as I am about how things are going to go for the next year and a half.

Unlike our situation in California, where both of us had very busy, separate social lives with a lot of great friends-- out here we only have each other. We've already fought once. Sometimes when we spend too much time together, we do get sick of each other (which is normal for everyone I'm sure). It's something that we'll have to deal with-- and of course since I'm the reason we moved here I'm feeling guilty for putting our marriage (of less than one year, no less) into this situation. But, I'm trying my best to look on the bright side. Once I start school I think things will improve, because I won't be stuck in the house everyday like I've been.

Working from home has been interesting. I'm very productive, but it's definitely lonely. I don't want to be one of those people who stays in their PJs all day eating doritos-- so I make sure to get dressed and ready as if I were going out on most days. It makes me feel less cooped up. I LOVE having mornings to relax and drink my coffee. No more getting up at 5am and sitting through two hours of traffic- it's wonderful.

The city of Boston is pretty amazing. This weekend we went shopping downtown and walked through Boston Common. Having dealt with California traffic for so long, I absolutely love the public transportation out here. I am within walking distance to the T station, and from there it's just twenty minutes or so into the city.

So overall there have been ups and downs...but I'm optimistic for the future. I start classes tomorrow, so I'm feeling my usual anxiety over that. It's very weird to be back in school. Every year at the start of the semester I used to have nightmares about getting lost and being late, so I'm sure that's how it will go tonight -- if I get any sleep at all. How do I keep myself upbeat?? I just imagine the advertising job I'll have in two years while living in Manhattan...haha well it's a nice thought.

Must Be Dreaming

Good news today- I get to keep my current job when I move to Boston. My boss is the greatest! He is going to let me telecommute AND keep the same salary. This is such a relief! Now I won't have to stress out about money during this transition. There are so many other things to worry about...but I am looking forward the them!

Random Things

On my playlist: Frou Frou - Details.
Mood: Restless

- Do you remember that game, Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? For some reason that popped into my head the other day. I remember it started as a game and then became a TV show. Don't know why I suddenly thought of that but I did. I am weird.

- I have often blogged about my stubborn 15 pounds that wouldn't go away. Well, recently it turned into more like 25 pounds and so I kicked my butt into gear. I am happy to report that I have lost about 11 pounds! I'm on my way to becoming a skinny bitch.

- The move to Boston is planned for early August. I'm getting nervous. I know it's the right decision, but leaving behind my nice paying job to start all over and while taking on loads of debt is scary. Sometimes I stop and think, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I have a low-stress cubicle job in Santa Monica and I live in a beautiful apartment. Maybe I just don't know how to be happy unless things are always changing. I just hope my husband doesn't end up resenting me for it. Is grad school worth all this? I need to think positively, but the anxiety is definitely starting to kick in.

I guess this is growing up

So I've decided that I'm moving to Boston to pursue a career in advertising. I don't know if graduate school is the smartest choice, but I just can't pass up the opportunity. I would always regret it if I did. It's exciting but also stressful. My relocation is a mere four months away! Insanity.

I'm not sure if this means I'm giving up as a writer, or if it's something I will pursue in the future. Moving out of Los Angeles, and even California, does feel symbolic because it still seems like the center of the universe to me. I'm used to being wrapped up in the world of Hollywood/celebrity/fame-- and I honestly believe that anyone who grows up in this area does hold some tucked away dream of being discovered or entering that lifestyle. To leave it behind is somewhat sobering. I feel like a child when they find out that Santa Claus doesn't exist.

On the other hand, as I've gotten older the thought of traveling has become more appealing. I don't want to turn 50 and realize I've lived my whole life in the same place. Now I will be able to experience the east coast! I am also in the early stages of planning an extended trip to Europe, probably in the summer of 2008.

Life is too short to spend so many hours in this godforsaken cubicle! And I certainly don't look at my marriage as any excuse to "settle down." Settling down is what kept me from wanting to be married. On the contrary, I feel like getting rowdy. Boston, (and of course New York!) here I come!

Tell me something good

I got accepted to Boston University! I'm am very excited but also nervous. Up to this point I had kind of talked myself into the fact that I would not get in, and therefore would have to stick it out at my job and make the best of things.

Now is decision time. No, actually tomorrow is decision time. Now is celebration time because no matter what happens from this point forward, I GOT ACCEPTED! And that is a big accomplishment for me.

What do you know about pressure?

No word yet from Boston.

Somehow I didn't get the maternal instinct gene. My entire family would be overjoyed if I would just hurry and have a baby. Part of me wishes that the idea of having children did make me happy. Then I could make everyone else happy. But it just doesn't sound that appealing. Maybe I'm too selfish to be a mother. I want to travel and write and have a career. I don't want to raise another human being. That's quite a task, and I'm just not up to it right now. My mom was always very young, and back then I thought, I want to be a young mom too. At this point I don't know if I'll ever want to be a mom. Maybe that will change with time. Right now it makes me feel guilty because I want my parents to have grandchildren.

Something's gotta give

Yesterday my graduate application to Boston University was delivered, with one whole day to spare. The chances of my getting accepted are slim-- my GRE scores were low, and my letters of recommendation were not from any professors. I am hoping that my writing samples and GPA will pull me through.

Of course, after getting accepted, there's the matter of uprooting my whole life and finding a place to live in Boston. My husband is willing to go, but I don't know if he's all that excited about lowering our standard of living and taking a step backwards for the next two years... We will barely be able to afford a studio apartment, and that's if we find jobs that meet our current salaries. Right now we live comfortably in a huge two bedroom with two new cars and extra money for luxuries..

But then again, I am miserable in my cubicle job with my three-hour-a-day commute through the smoggy freeways of LA. If I want to have a successful career doing something that interests me, this will be my chance.

Going somewhere but not here

I haven't been in the mood to write lately, despite the fact that I've been quite overwhelmed in the last few months.

Married life is really not that exciting. I feel good about my relationship, but there haven't been any earth-shattering changes. Rather than giving in to post-wedding blues, I have thrown myself into several tasks. Things are just as busy, if not busier, than my wedding planning days. That's a good thing-- because it keeps me from getting depressed. But I've also been stressed out as of late...and sometimes that causes me to lash out at my husband. I am trying very hard not to take out my emotions on him, because he really hasn't done anything to deserve it.

The holidays have been nice so far. I've gone to about 3 Christmas parties, and most of my shopping is done. This year money is tight...but I have a huge surprise planned for my husband. My excitement has given way to financial stress, but there's no turning back now.

I'm applying to Boston University this year where I hope to get my Master's in Advertising. I don't know what I'll do if I actually get accepted. The cost of moving and paying tuition makes this goal seem very far-fetched. But I know that if I didn't apply and at least find out if the possibility exists, I would have always regretted it. I am not happy with my current job, and it doesn't look like there's much else out there unless I continue my education. And honestly, I miss school. Without that constant stimulation I get bored very easily. If I do get accepted, I might be able to work it out IF I can pay off my credit card debt in the next year. That would definitely require a weekend job and a big change in my spending habits. My husband supports the move, so that is good to know. He hates his job anyways. And we both would love the chance to experience new things by moving somewhere else for a while.

My parents are getting re-married for the third time in Las Vegas for New Years weekend. I am looking forward to the trip, but there are still lingering doubts about whether or not their marriage is a good idea. I can see them falling back into their old patterns of behavior. Maybe they have just learned to accept their relationship for what it is. Or maybe they have forgotten how unhappy they both were. I'll be wishing them happiness either way.

When you're strange

It's been an odd week. My parents revealed that they are getting remarried...again. Let's hope third time's a charm. It doesn't bother me at all...it's just that I hope they are doing it because they actually make each other happy--not because they are settling for companionship and comfort. They've been living together as "Friends" for about a year, but my mom has been dating. She's made it clear in the past that there are certain factors missing from her relationship with my Dad, even though they are what she calls "soul mates." Maybe things have changed and their relationship has evolved. I'll admit that it's kind of romantic to think that they belong together, after all these years and everything they've gone through. I hope that's true; but there comes a point when marriage is compromise is practical is not-so-romantic anymore.

I was contacted this week by a very old friend through email. We were neighbors and friends when I was around 8 years old, but when I moved out of that house our families lost touch. She found my profile on a friend network and sent me a message. One thing that struck me were the similarities between us--she is my age, married to a man seven years older than her, with no kids, just like me. Overall the experience has made me realize what a profound change the internet has had on the world. People who you thought you would never see again are just a quick internet search away. I mean, in the past if you really wanted to find someone there were ways to do it--but it took serious commitment and resources. The implications are mind boggling; however, at this moment in my cubicle I can't find the energy to eloquently express them.

Off-White Wedding

These last few months have been a whirlwind of planning and parties and excitement. And now it's all over, and I'm married. I'm not quite used that yet, but it's only been four days. The actual wedding went by so fast that it's hard to imagine why it took over a year of planning.

When I was younger I didn't think I would ever want to get married. I wrote myself a letter my freshman year in high school as an assignment in English class in which we were supposed to imagine where our lives would be in ten years. I remember writing to myself, "If you are married with children and somehow find satisfaction with that choice in ways that I can't fathom, then congratulations. But if not, I TOLD YOU SO!"

My English teacher from that year actually attended the wedding. During the brief moment that I had to talk to her she brought up the fact that in high school I had doubts about marriage, but that she was sure that I would be happy. I do feel happy right at this moment. The stigma of marriage still bothers me, but even if things change in the future I won't regret the choice that I made now. It was such an amazing experience that I never imagined I would have.

When I go driving I stay in my lane

Commuting is just a way of life for me; it has been for years. I spend about 2 and a half hours on the road every day, during the week. It doesn't really bother me anymore--I've learned how to handle stop and go traffic without going insane. I basically just take a deep breath and learn to cope by realizing that it's out of my control.

My sanity also depends on talk radio-- KFI640 am. I listen to Bill Handel in the mornings, and John and Ken in the afternoons. (I greatly despise Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura, so don't get the wrong idea about me.) Actually, KFI is so informative and interesting that sometimes it makes me look forward to my drive. Now that I've been listening to it I have a much greater understanding of politics and world events. This radio station was vital in keeping me from becoming a liberal wacko in college-- a tragic fate for many in my age group.

But as of late I found myself getting sick of constant talk radio. I tried to mix things up with music, but since I listen to my ipod all day at work that got tedious as well. I started to get depressed about the hours of my life that were being wasted in the car. I needed to find a way to make the most of my weekly commute. That's when I first gave audiobooks a try.

At first I was skeptical about the whole audiobook-thing. I thought, isn't that just cheating? Will it be hard to listen to the words and get the same level of understanding? Once I listen to a book, will I really be able to say that I read it? Since then I have listened to three books, and I've come to the conclusion that it's a great way to squeeze in some extra reading when I'm sick of talk radio. Plus, it gives me a chance to discover some books that I might not have had the motivation to read. The best part is that I don't feel like my time in the car is just wasted. I've actually accomplished something during my commute!

I won't just listen to any book, though. My reading ethic is somewhat complicated, but basically I feel that audiobooks should be either non-fiction, or fiction that is plot-driven without being extremely literary in nature. For example, I don't think that listening to an audiobook of Bronte's Wuthering Heights would be a good way to comprehend such a literary masterpiece. That is the kind of text that needs to be read and re-read in order to appreciate its meaning. On the other hand, I would have no problem listening to an Anne Rice or Stephen King audiobook, because I don't feel that it's written at a level of complexity that requires my full attention. Obviously when I'm driving my mind will be doing two things a once.

Non-fiction audiobooks are perfect for me, because I don't have the patience to sit down and read them but it's easy and fun for me to listen to them. I can explore historical topics, biographies of criminals and celebrities, and instructional texts. I just listened to Helen Morrison's audiobook on her experiences with serial killers--which is a topic that I was very excited to learn more about. I also tried out an instructional audiobook that taught French lessons, which was fun and surprisingly effective.

happy birthday blog

I can't believe it's been a year since I began my sporadic ramblings on this blog! Although I haven't exactly been consistent, I'm still proud of myself for not deleting or abandoning the closest thing I have to a journal...this is a big step for me. Yay.

keep it real

I've been watching MTV's Real World since about the 4th season off and on. My favorite casts include San Francisco, Miami, and Boston. I haven't watched many of the new seasons, but I have caught a few of the current cast in Austin.

Usually I end up really liking half of the cast and hating a few of them, but I just have to say that this season MTV picked a bunch of assholes. (Minus the girl who served in Iraq--she speaks her mind and seems like a sweet girl)

But other than her--the cast just sucks. They are total idiots and everything they do just pisses me off until I change the channel in disgust. Now it may be that at this point the show is ultimately doomed to be absurd and infuriating because anyone who actually gets picked is just acting the way they want to be seen on TV. But I'm sticking with my theory that these cast members in particular are morons.

I mean--Melinda does the whole boyfriend-back-at-home drama on the second day?! And then on the 3rd day when she decides to go after Danny, she actually makes the statement, "I've changed so much since I've been here." AFTER THREE FUCKING DAYS.

And I would say that I despise Danny, but I just saw the episode where his mom died and that sucks. But really, that fight where he got his face busted in was just ridiculous. It happened for no reason! They were searching for Nehemiah because he left because Johana started hitting him because....she's a dumb drunk ass bitch. So then they go searching for him yelling, "Have you seen the black guy?" down the streets of Austin (which is hilarious and sooo wrong) and Danny ends up with a broken bone in his face. That whole episode epitomizes how moronic this entire cast is.

The Emerald City

I saw Wicked at the Pantages theater this week in Hollywood. The tone was much more humorous than Gregory Macguire's book, but I think it was a necessary interpretation for a musical. It was fascinating to compare the novel to the show; there were quite a few plot changes. I felt that most of the additions, such as incorporating characters and lines from the original Wizard of Oz, were very clever and fun. The musical even managed to have a happy ending! Having read and loved the book, this aspect was bittersweet. The costumes were amazing. I was in awe of Stephanie J. Block, who portrayed Elphaba. Her voice was so powerful; I just can't imagine how she performs at that level of intensity every night of the week.

I don't go to the theater often; I saw The Lion King a few years ago--but that's about it. I wish I could afford to go more often, but then I think going too frequently would lessen the mystic of the experience for me. Someday I hope to see a Broadway show in New York. I don't know why it seems so glamorous to me, but it does.

Days go by

I'm suddenly very paranoid about my lack of a decent memory. Sometimes friends or family bring up past events, and I either can't remember when they happened, or if they happened at all! This worries me greatly. I believe that our memories are all we have. If I can't remember what happened on my 16th birthday, then it's kind of like it never existed. For this reason I have always wanted to keep a diary, but I don't have the discipline.

My new goal is to create a log of events that I can and would like to remember starting from this year and going back as far as I can. It won't be descriptive like a journal, more like a timeline with dates, locations, and people. Hopefully I can stick to this goal. The exercise might even help to dredge up some memories that are slowly fading. I would also like to eventually include lists of dreams I've had, movies I've watched, and books I've read. Once I'm caught up to the present, I think I will be motivated to keep going with will be a more detailed journal.

Seven things NOT to say to your Girlfriend (or a Girl that you are trying to hit on):

7) Did you just drop a bomb? (translation: Did you just fart?)
6) Oh look, my cat's eyes are bluer than yours!
5) No matter what I eat I just can't gain weight!
4) No offense, but you really need a tan.
3) No offense, but [insert pretty much any phrase].
2) Are your boobs getting smaller?
1) How's that diet going?

(Yes, these are actual statements directed towards me by the opposite sex)

Carrie Bradshaw wannabe

So many things to buy, so little funds. The only activity that satisfies my compulsion for spending is to fill up online shopping carts and then abandon them. It's so tragic. Here's what I've been eyeing lately. I might never be able to have them, but at least they will be immortalized on my insignificant blog...



Sigh...

Father can you hear me?

When I was a little girl, my inner thoughts almost entirely consisted of conversations with God. It could be said by some that God was my imaginary friend--but I'm not saying that. I don't still talk to him, but for all I know he really was listening to me all those years.

I specifically remember directing my thoughts to him whenever I really wanted something. My thoughts would go something like this: Ok God, I know I've asked for things before, but if you give me [insert childhood desire] I promise never to ask for anything again. Just do this one thing for me so I know for sure that you exist. This is your last chance to prove to me that you are real. Please Please Please. Show me a sign.

And this would continue until I realized he wasn't going to grant my wish. Why did I equate God with a Genie? In my mind it seemed like God was this creature with tremendous powers, so how hard could it be for him to make me happy? It would be a win-win situation. I would get what I want, and he would have a lifetime believer in a world of cynics.

The funny thing was that my wishes were typically magical in nature. It wasn't like I asked for a pile of money (well, sometimes I did, but not often). Here are some examples of what I prayed for with great intensity:

~The ability to fly (Yes it's cliche, but it would be lovely).
~To become a mermaid (This one lasted for years, thanks to Disney).
~To be a princess in a castle with unicorns. (Looking back, I don't see the payoff with this one).

They weren't the most practical goals, but I figured they were easy tasks for someone like God.

Sometimes I just wished for small glimpses of his existence. I would say things like, Just send a shooting star across the sky right now, and I will believe in you. I think back on it, and it makes me sad. I mean, I know that if there is a God, he must be busy, blah blah blah. To have faith in him means you don't need proof--blah blah blah. But jeez, would it really have been THAT HARD to send a shooting star?

Things ARE that bad, and they ARE out to get you.

For someone who hates awkward social situations, I sure do manage to get myself into them quite often. Since working at my new job, I've made several attempts to get to know my coworkers. I've attended two happy hour get-togethers in the last month at a local bar, hoping that the presence of alcohol would expedite the process. Silly me.

The alcohol certainly sped things up on my end; however, I fear that my direct approach was not reciprocated. Here is an example of my inability to function in new social situations, particularly those involving coworkers:

The first topic I brought up was the fact that my best friend had recently gotten her clit pierced. At the time it seemed like a good idea for two reasons--a) I thought that bringing up something of that nature would thwart any preconceived notions that they might have of me, considering that I can appear very shy and prudish at first glance--and b) I was honestly curious about what other people thought of that type of piercing. After bringing it up and seeing the discomfort on the faces of the men, I realized that they were probably more worried about violating sexual harassment laws than conversing about the female body with a young and unknown new girl from the office.

On that note...

I also have to say that cubicle life lends itself to awkward situations. I feel quite isolated inside these three walls, and yet I can hear everything that everyone says throughout the office. This keeps me from talking on the phone, or even to another coworker most of the time. I don't want people to hear me, so I usually just stick to instant messaging in order to communicate. Every once in a while, I will call out to my friend across the isle, but I will try to do it quietly. On these occasions she usually can't even hear me, so she will call out for me to repeat myself, and so ensues another awkward moment that everyone else in the office can most certainly hear.

Other times, I will be surfing the web and suddenly stumble upon something funny. It sounds very strange to hear someone burst into laughter in the midst of a perfectly silent room. So instead, I will try to muffle my uncontrollable laughter, making the stiffled laugh sound even more strange! Not to mention the fact that every time I sneeze, cough, chew, swallow, or breath it is so quiet in this damn office that I feel as though everyone can hear that too! Yes, I may be paranoid, but that's just another consequence of sitting in a cubicle for eight hours with one's back unnaturally exposed. If someone enters my cubicle without my knowledge, it is not uncommon for me to jump a bit once I suddenly notice them standing there. People like me really prefer to have our backs to the wall, with the ability to face those that pass by. In college I always sat in the back corner seat so that I wouldn't feel the eyes of other students burning into the back of my head.

I am one crazy bitch.