Ridicule breathes a sigh

I haven't been gaining weight, but I can't seem to get rid of these 15 extra pounds that got tacked on when I started college. I've been telling myself to lose the weight for five years now. Why can't I follow through?! I'm just disgusted with myself and it makes me cranky. I always joke about how I'm an eating disorder waiting to happen, but I don't even have the discipline to follow through with that!

The good news for the week is that I got a job (Yay me! They offered me more money than I asked for!). Hopefully the stress of this new responsibility will speed up my metabolism... I won't be sitting at home all day watching Oprah, so that's a step in the right direction.

I had the strangest interview this week at an advertising agency. This guy asked me who my favorite authors were, and when I gave him a few names he stopped me mid-sentence by blurting out, "Oh, I don't read, so I have no idea who you are talking about." I was like OKAY, then why the fuck did you ask me that question?

I really hate interviews. Even when they go very well, I walk out of the room analyzing every question and every answer with great unease. Interviews epitomize the awkward aspect of social interaction that I loathe. I don't think you can judge how well a person is for a job by judging their response to an interview. It's like judging the strength of an ant by the way he reacts to being held under a magnifying glass in the sun.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

I have spent the last month bored out of my mind. My weekday routine as an unemployed gal now involves the following: sleeping in every day, taking long steamy showers, searching for jobs, and watching Oprah. Daytime television is just awful, and yet I still spend about two hours of the afternoon flipping through the channels hoping to find something worth watching. I should be spending my time in a more constructive manner (like, uh, writing or something). My motivation to be productive on these lonely weekdays is extremely low.

However, I must pat myself on the back for taking over some of the domestic duties that I previously heaped upon my fiance such as cleaning, grocery shopping, and cooking (err-- reheating). It's not something that he should get used to though; I have realized in the last few weeks that I absolutely hate being domestic any more than I have to.

I have had a few interviews, and within the next two weeks I will be probably be forced to choose between two options:

1) Full time position as an Internet copywriter.
The pros: It pays very well and offers excellent benefits.
The cons: This job will not give me the experience I need to transition into an advertising career. In fact, I will most likely find the work tedious and stifling.

2) Part time Internship at an Advertising Agency.
The pros: The first step towards a career in advertising, giving me the experience I need in a job that I would love.
The cons: The internship is part time, pays a meager $10 an hour, and is located brutally far from my apartment. It would require that I work another part time job just to make ends meet.

My weekends have been entirely dedicated to wedding plans, which is actually very fun at this point. I am starting to get excited about what is going to be a kick ass party! And the sentimental stuff is getting to me during certain moments...The more I think about it the more confident I am that getting married will be wonderful. My relationship seems very strong right now, even with the stress of losing half of our income.

dream dream dream

My dreams tend to fall into one of three categories:

1) My teeth are falling out or breaking, and I suffer from tremendous humiliation and anxiety trying to come to terms with it. (Or sometimes it's my hair)

2) My fiance does something horrible to me, like cheating or breaking up with me. (One time I had a dream in which he was having sex with his best friend, a guy, and it traumatized me for weeks)

3) I win the lottery or somehow come into a very large sum of money. These are the dreams that I regret waking up from, because it takes me a few minutes to realize that it was just a dream. The dreams are so realistic, that I can actually remember feeling that incredible sigh of relief that my money worries are over.

So what does it all mean?

1)One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Sadly, we live in a world where good looks are valued highly and your teeth play an important role in conveying that image. Another rationalization for these falling teeth dream may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.

2) To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel some lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others.

3)To see or win money in your dream, symbolizes that success and prosperity is within your reach. Money may represent confidence, self-worth, success, or values. You have much belief in yourself. Alternatively, dreaming about money, refers to your attitudes about love and matters of the heart. It is frequently a symbol for sexuality and power. In particular, finding money indicates your quest for love or for power.

The world outside passes me by

I'm really glad that I happened to be stuck at home during what has been the rainiest season southern California has ever seen. Somehow I have managed to avoid having to travel through any of the rain storms. Rain is much more fun when you get to stay home and drink hot cocoa.

I've been spending these stormy weeks watching movies and television shows.

Project Runway has been very entertaining, and I am so excited about the finale tomorrow night. 2 whole hours of designer drama!

The Notebook was OK. It wasn't as emotionally stirring as I expected. I was looking forward to a film that was bit sexier, and then sadder. But the young lovers were disappointing, and so I didn't feel as sad when their old counterparts faced problems. Unfortunately, not a tear was shed. But I would watch it again just to see Ryan Gosling. Hottie!



Saved! and The Dangerous Lives of Alter Boys were both really great films. Each star Jena Malone--who is so adorable and talented (and who apparently never ages). Both of these movies dealt with high school students attending religious schools, although they take place in different time periods and are each uniquely wonderful.

Ok, while this does somewhat undermine my typically high standards of movie criticism, I have to admit something.

My name is Daria, and I'm a Keanu Reeves fan.

Now that I have that off my chest, I am excited to announce that I really enjoyed Constantine. From what the comic book geeks have told me, it doesn't exactly follow the original story, and that has some of them feeling betrayed. I can understand that, but as a newcomer to the saga of this character, I enjoyed the film tremendously. This film was successful in communicating quite a few complex and interesting religious themes. I was intrigued by the character of Gabriel, played by Tilda Swinton. The plot had me a bit confused, and the acting wasn't exactly profound, but Rachel Weisz is just awesome in anything she does. And Keanu...I believe every word that comes out of his mouth because I JUST DO.

Never the same girl twice

I crimped my hair today. I am going to a party later tonight, and I just got the urge to look like a different person. My hair is very difficult to style because it's as fine as baby hair and very, very straight. It doesn't hold a curl for more than ten minutes. But for some reason, it will hold a crimp for days.

When I crimp my hair it looks almost like I have an afro, with so much added volume that am unrecognizable. That's why I love to pull out the crimper every now and then, even though it's oh-so-eighties and not exactly stylish. I also love the fact that I'm still using the same pink crimper that my mom bought me when I was probably about seven years old.

For the past hour I've been staring into the mirror imagining what type of person I should pretend to be tonight.

Will work for shoes

I have been laid off. It feels very strange to be unemployed, especially since I'm not in school anymore. This is not how things are supposed to go for me. I am supposed to be well on my way to a successful career that will enable me to hire my own chef, personal trainer, and chauffeur.

Happy V Day.



Basketball fans should check our NCAA Basketball Betting or College Basketball Betting. Or whatever.

Hurts so good

In the last week I have seen two exceptional films that I must mention. They both caught me off guard, as I wasn't particularly excited about seeing them. Over the last year, I've really had to force myself to sit down and watch a movie. I just haven't been in the mood. My disappointment in certain films has really made it difficult for me to take on chance on movies that I don't already know I'm going to love. But the experience of sitting through these two amazing films has made me realize that it's worth sitting through some bad ones to find the great ones. In other words, I need to start watching more movies!


Sideways
This movie made me laugh, cry, and contemplate my existence. (Yes, it's about a writer, so I realize not everyone will be as moved by the story). I also happen to love wine, so I found this theme interesting as well. I don't know much about wine other than the fact that I prefer the red variety. This movie didn't exactly make me want to go out and refine my palette; but it did make me want to try something other than merlot (which is normally the only type I buy). I'll still settle for less than $10 bucks a bottle--but I will swirl the wine around in the glass before I sip.


Hero
This movie had me in tears for almost an hour. But they were those tears that feel so good, that you just want to indulge in for the rest of the night. All I can say is that it was the most beautiful film I've ever seen. I was already a fan of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, so I was apprehensive about seeing this movie because I thought it might just be too much of the same thing. I was absolutely wrong! (You won't hear me say that often)

"I write emotional algebra."

I have just discovered Anais Nin. I can't wait to read her collection of diaries and erotic stories. She seems fascinating.

Here are some of her quotes:

~Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments. I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous.

~My diary is a mirror telling the story of a dreamer who, a long long time ago went through life the way one reads a book.

~Man can never know the kind of loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in a woman's womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. The woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she has bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child-bearing and man-bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to BE. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment the man rests inside of her.

~I have the right to love many people at once and to change my prince often.

~Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes one feel as you might when a drowning man holds unto you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.

Loves sushi, will travel

Lately I've been searching for job openings online, and I've come across some teaching jobs in Japan. There are companies that will train me, assist in relocation, and offer a year contract to teach English in Japan. It seems so intriguing to me! It would give me the chance to travel and experience new things for a year, while allowing me time to contemplate my long term career goals. My fiance loves the idea as well, so I know that he would go with me.

I've been wanting to change employment because I don't feel that my current job is really leading me on the path that I want to go, career-wise. However, I also don't think I'm ready to "settle" into anything permanent with a specific company. That's why this teaching job seems so perfect. It's temporary, it would look great on a resume, and the entire experience would probably be good for me.

That's not to say that there aren't any downsides. I've never lived far from my family--I've never traveled to another country. It would be challenging and perhaps scary, but maybe I need to be taken out of my comfort zone for a while. If it turns out to be horrible, I can always come home. Having someone with me will make things easier. If I was single, I might still be interested in the job, but I don't know if I could handle the transition to another country on my own.

I'm going to do some research first on what it's like to teach in Japan. My goal would be to wait until after the wedding and then apply for the job. That gives me almost an entire year to think it over and get prepared. The more I think about it, the more exciting it seems.

It's My Life

There are many things that infuriate me about the latest news regarding Roe vs Wade, but what pisses me off the most is that the majority of the news articles make it sound like "Roe" is now objecting to the right to abortion for medical reasons.

First of all, abortion is proven medically safer than pregnancy.

Secondly, Norma McCorvey (Jane Roe) has become a conservative religious fanatic, and THAT is the only reason she is trying to get the abortion decision overturned. I can't believe this article doesn't even mention the religious aspect of the story.

I find the growing political force of right-wing religious fundamentalists disturbing--they don't outnumber the sane people, but they are louder and more powerful right now.

One More Thing: If Bush uses the phrase "culture of life" one more time, I am going to fucking scream. I can't even adequately express in words how much it infuriates me.

bitch goddess

My sleeping habits are back to normal, and I have become distracted from my depression with the recent wedding planning activities. My moods are still unpredictable, but hopefully I will get over it soon.

I've started to realize certain things about myself over the last month, mostly things that I don't like, so I'm having this internal battle between my conscience and my habits. If I'm a mean, judgmental person who has a large array of flaws, should I try to change myself or just accept who I am and go with it? I'm starting to develop my plight into a dilemma that is novel worthy: are villains born wicked, with their evil actions inevitable, or do they have hope of changing? Should they want to change? I don't know, I have a more complex post in the works regarding this idea.

I've decided against working a second job; it just makes me too grumpy and miserable all the time to think about how I don't have weekends off. I'll just have to give up any hope of shopping or waxing or getting pedicures for the time being. We'll see how that goes.

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like a prayer

I’m still feeling rather depressed. This weekend I’m going to a wedding open house at the ceremony and reception site with my mom and some friends so they can all see the place. I hope that I get more excited about it by Sunday.

I’ve been having some strange dreams lately. In one of them I was having sex with Michael Vartan in an indoor swimming pool. The pool was in a shabby building that had plastic tarp covering a hole in the roof. The strange thing was that we weren’t alone in the room; there was some sort of religious ceremony going on with someone who was claiming to be the messiah. Michael wanted to pay attention to the ceremony (now that I think about it, he might have been wearing a priest’s robe, because I vaguely remember a black and white collar) and instead I kept forcing him to have sex.

Make me over

If I could be on the MTV show "Made" I would want them to make me a stripper. I know it's mostly a high school show with teenagers, but if they did a more adult version I would really want to become an exotic dancer. I would have to overcome so many inhibitions--it would be the ultimate challenge for me.

I'm not sure how I feel about reality television. It's a guilty pleasure that I occasionally watch, and I don't see myself as the type of person who would participate in it. But sometimes I think it would be exciting.

The ghost with the most

I was in denial, but I can no longer fool myself. White Noise is not going to be worth the 8 bucks. It's pg13, the scorching reviews are starting to pile up by the hour, and I know better than to let my love of Michael Keaton blind my better judgment. Maybe someday I will rent it and see for myself if it really sucks that bad. Until then I think I will go home and watch Beetlejuice and Batman 1 & 2 to make myself feel better.

What's on the menu this evening sir?

Damnit! I applied for three jobs in the last few days and I may have actually gotten one. I'm now going to be one of many people who work two jobs to survive.

This new job is part time at a Chinese restaurant answering phones and helping customers at the front desk. It's not a job that requires much skill, and I will only be working three nights a week. On the other hand, it will require me to do what I haven't done in over six months--deal directly with the public.

The one thing that I love about my full time job, other than having every weekend off, is the fact that I don't have to perform customer service on any level. I don't even have a phone at my desk. I just sit at my computer and write copy all day. No dress code, no forced smiles, no awkward social contact.

I'm working this weekend at the restaurant for two days so the owner can see if I "fit" the position. I'm going to use this probationary period to see if the job "fits" me as well.

Can't Get a Grip

I haven't been sleeping well lately. It's something that usually happens around this time of year; my mind is restless, I'm having financial problems, and my relationships with friends and family are strange right now. I find myself over-analyzing every conversation and re-living certain moments until I either steep myself in self-disgust or just break down into tears. I also have a tendency to dwell on embarrassing moments of the past and get angry about them. It's all very self-indulgent and narcissistic, but I can't stop myself. I'm in a funk, and I seem to be taking it out on my fiance. But surprisingly enough, he's been very sweet no matter how bitchy I get! I truly think he's the only person in the world who can put up with me.

Even my mom cut me off when I called her the other night for consoling, so I know I must seem annoying right now. She's usually willing to listen to me no matter what. I can only hope that my mood will motivate me to get some writing done. I usually do most of my writing during periods of intense emotions. I like to purge my negative energy into grotesque characters and stories.

Not So Great Expectations

Here's what I would like to accomplish this year:

1. Reach my ideal weight in a healthly way by the time my wedding day arrives. This doesn't mean I want to start exercising...I know that goal would be unrealistic. I just want to eat less fast food and lose a few extra pounds...by October.

2. Spend more time writing.

3. Pay off a significant amount of my credit card debt.

I'm keeping it simple this year because I don't want to disappoint myself. In 2004 I accomplished quite a bit: I managed to graduate college, find a good paying job, and move into a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment.

The winter of my discontent

I've been off work since Xmas eve, and I'm starting to get bored. I probably would have enjoyed this time off much more if I was getting paid...instead I'm left to sit and home and keep myself from spending the money that I seriously don't have.

I've ending up spending hours playing my life as a Sim. In the last few days, I've moved into a quaint house with my fiance's Sim, and we've had a baby named Sebastien. A few hours ago he became a toddler. Sometimes my Sim is a bad mother...she likes to place the baby on the floor and go off to read. This game is quite realistic.

I see you shiver with anticipation

Yesterday I saw the movie Darkness...regrettably. It was a poorly constructed film that gave horror movies a bad name--and that's pretty hard to do. I don't know why I thought it would be good, but I was in the mood for a good scare.

It would have been an utter waste of time if not for the trailer for the upcoming film SIN CITY.



This movie looks amazing! I highly recommend that everyone catches the trailer for this graphic novel adaptation. It is visually stunning from what I can see, and there are tons of great actors in the cast. Bruce Willis, Benicio Del Toro, Josh Hartnet, and Clive Owen, just to name a few sexy men I look forward to seeing. The movie looks like a comic book coming to life, with primarily black and white scenery interjected with color on certain characters--mostly on the female characters. For example, one girl has bright blue eyes and another red lips.

I'm not familiar with the Sin City story, but I am eagerly awaiting the release of this movie. Even if the plot is horrible, it is sure to be visually appealing.

Other films I can't wait to see:

White Noise (I love Michael Keaton, and this movie HAS to be scary!)
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (I'm hoping to re-read the book before it comes out)

One more time

Oscar Wilde: The Portrait of Dorian Gray. You are a
horror novel from the world of dandies, rich
pretty boys, art and aesthetics, and
intellectual debates between ethical people and
decadent pleasure-seekers. You value beauty and
pleasure but realize their dangers, as well.


Which literature classic are you?
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