My Theme Song

I always have a favorite song of the month--which I listen to at least once a day until it gets shuffled into less frequent rotation. But this particular song--the lyrics and the concept--is my new theme song. It's a song by The Killers called On Top. I love it- I listen to it 10 times a day- and it perfectly expresses my Friday night philosophy of life.

I would really like to lose about 15 pounds, but it seems impossible at this point. I don't want to resort to some stupid, self-indulgent look-at-me-I-need-attention eating disorder, but unfortunately I have no motivation when it comes to eating healthy. Should I just start learning to accept the way I look? Part of me says yes, and part of me wants to be cute and skinny while I'm still under 30. Plus, I'm sick of getting that cynical feeling of resentment everytime I see a skinny girl. I don't want it to be me against them--I'd rather be skinny myself.

I think I really just have to choose between my love of food... and my love of being one of those skinny bitches who can wear a size 3.

Girls' Night

So my girlfriends and I just got finished watching Sex and the City reruns (our weekly ritual that continues even though the show has ended) and P decided to chop off her hair! A, the multi-talented stylist and fashion designer is chopping off her hair as we speak, and I am living vicariously through them. I can't cut my hair until after the wedding...but before this time period I was the friend with short hair. I love short hair, and I miss it.

But A cut her hair last night, and now P is getting hers trimmed up to her ears, and I'm experiencing the excitement second hand. Go P! I'll catch up next year the day after I get back from my honeymoon. It will be fabulous.

That's what you get when you mix red wine, sex talk, and crazy ass girls.

Long live girls' night!

Someday

After I've won the lottery or made millions in some legitimate way, I'll be able to look back at the dull hours I've spent working different mediocre jobs and laugh...

But today it doesn't seem funny. I've decided to stop watching shows like "The Fabulous Life of.." because they bring out my hateful side. As if Tom Cruise deserves 5 jets. It's upseting because obviously not everyone can be rich...who would pick up the garbage...but I would definitely be good at having money.

My fortune cookie this weekend said,"Stop worrying about money. The best things in life are free." What kind of fucking fortune is that?

~Spoiled Daria rears her ugly head~

When will it rain?

I need some cold, gloomy weather soon. I can't wait for fall and winter and the holidays. Everyone's so cynical about Christmas these days, but screw them. I love the holidays--from Halloween all the way to New Years. Not that I need an excuse to celebrate, but it's still a fun time of year. This year I am planning to decorate for Halloween and Christmas simultaneously- Nightmare Before Xmas style. Paul's fav holiday is Halloween, and Christmas is my favorite--so it just makes sense.

We've got 415 days until the wedding, not that I'm counting or anything.

I booked a hotel in San Francisco today for Sept 4th and 5th. I can't wait!

My friend M called me last night, and I could tell she was drunk because she tends to get repetitive and emotional, and she slurs too. She really opens up to me with her feelings when she's drinking, but once she's sober I'm not sure where we stand. I've actually avoided becoming too close to her because I've seen her drop other friends without a second thought in the past. But in some ways I hope we stay close friends. I have to say, even though it's cheesy, I miss having a best friend. I guess it's just a childish thing, but I remember watching Beaches and hoping that I would find a friend who I would be that close too forever. I have long term girlfriends, but nothing that I would say is that solid. I guess it would be the same as having a sister, which I don't have. I definitely fell like Paul is my best friend in that relationship way, but it's still not the same as having one girlfriend that you can always trust. Even Daria had Jane.

Back in the Day

My brother Paul once dressed in my trift store clothing as Enrique the Pimp, and this Halloween Enrique's making a comeback!

I'm going to stay in San Francisco for Labor Day weekend. I've never been there, nor have I really had the urge. But now that I'm going the excitement is building. Apparently, there is life beyond Hollywood and Vegas. We'll see how it compares though.

Sometimes when I stop and listen to myself talking, I realize that I can come across as ditzy-- Which is disturbing, because I see myself as fairly intelligent. Infact, I tend to be judgemental towards ditzy people. I was attempting to explain how the California Lottery works to someone who has never read a ticket, and I made the comment, "Getting all the numbers is the best thing--" Or something to that effect. I heard a chuckle behind me, and realized that my comment was, well, DUH.

I have heard myself do this before-- and I've come to the conclusion that while I'm not stupid or ditzy, sometimes I don't articulate well--especially if I'm in a situation with people that I don't know well. I think that maybe I subconsciously "dumb things down" because I don't have a lot of confidence in social situations. Also, I don't have the ability to articulate on command--I need time to sort out what I plan to say in order for it to sound intelligent. I guess that's why I like to write, because I can erase and rewrite as I go along. When I'm talking, I can't edit my words on the way out.

A Successful Weekend

I threw a surprise birthday party for my fiance, and I managed to pull it off perfectly (with the help of my friends and family of course)! He had really given up on having anyone celebrate his birthday with him, so when we arrived at my Dad's and everyone jumped out to surprise him, he looked genuinely shocked. I've never seen him so happy--and that made me feel great. It also made me realize that I'm very ready to get married because he's so sweet and I'm lucky to have him. It was one of those weekends where everything makes sense, which I'm still enjoying even though it's Monday. I don't have these types of moments often..so leave me to my bliss.

I MISS Sex and the City!

Seeing SJP in the new fabulous GAP ads makes me long for the days of SATC. It was a show that made me seriously contemplate whether I should stay single during my 20's and move to New York to pursue fashion and writing...but alas...the show was ideal, and mostly a fantasy world where the characters had time to get together for cosmos on a daily basis.

This ad also makes me want to customize my jeans the way SJP did, by adding ribbons and piping and cutting the jeans to different lengths. I don't usually like GAP clothing because it's so plain and boring--but Sarah's new ads are creative and fun, and they give me all types of ideas.

My Reply to Richard Brautigan

Richard Brautigan-- a poet who I respect and enjoy, wrote a poem that infuriated me. It's called The Pill Versus the Springhill Mine Disaster.

Every time you take your pill, it's like a mine disaster.
I think of all the people lost inside you.

My Reply is called Masterbation Versus the Swiss Air Crash

Every time you jack off, it's like a plane crash.
I think of all the people splattered on the floor.

It's the poem I'm most proud of. :)

I'm 23 and I've never known anyone, besides aquaintences, who has died. I've never even faced the death of a pet--they all either ran away or were given away. I could feel that I'm lucky, but instead I feel the opposite. Since I have never had to confront death, somehow it doesn't exist to me. When I actually stop and think about the concept, it scares me so much that I can't seem to function. People can talk about death all they want, but it's not the same until you experience it with someone you love. That's why I know that when it happens to me, I might not be able to handle it. If I had been forced to face it at an earlier age, I think I might be more prepared. It's very unnatural; I know that death happens to other people, but it hasn't happened yet to me. And every year I have this impending sense of doom that gets bigger and bigger, because I know that things won't be this way forever. And the thought that runs through my mind is how many days do I have left until something bad happens? I'm not religious, but thank God it didn't happen while my brother was in Iraq. I guess this is what my birthday evokes, the sense that another year has passed, and things are great, but they can't be forever.
I guess I should turn to the poets.

AFRAID? Of whom am I afraid?
Not death; for who is he?
The porter of my father’s lodge
As much abasheth me.

Of life? ‘T were odd I fear a thing
That comprehendeth me
In one or more existences
At Deity’s decree.

Of resurrection? Is the east
Afraid to trust the morn
With her fastidious forehead?
As soon impeach my crown!

---Emily Dickinson

To Ink or Not to Ink

I have chosen a fairy that I want to be my next tattoo, but I'm not sure. Getting a fairy on the lower back is so common, and this particular fairy is by Amy Brown, the artist that hundreds of girls have used for their fairy tattoos. I don't know if something this permanent should be more unique. My first tattoo was based on an artist, but not one that many people know about. I'm getting cold feet! But I really do like this image. I guess I should be completely sure about it first--there's no going back once I say yes. Maybe that's why I like getting tattoos so much--it's a defiant act that says: I have the power to redesign myself permanently.

Watch This: Suicide Club

It's part existential foreign film (Run Lola Run), part B-rated horror film (Army of Darkness)--with a splash of government anti-pop culture propaganda! This is by far one of the strangest films I have ever seen. I can't decide if it's brilliant or painfully ridiculous. Either way, I would highly recommend it.

Where the Voices Can Be Heard

Movie Quote of the Day: Am I going mad--or did the word THINK escape your lips?!

Finally--an outlet for my neurotic mind. Thanks to Maju for the introduction to the voyeuristic world of blogs. It curbs the writer's craving AND reveals the secrets of others. Fabulous.